oh what a world, what a world....

Well, now I get to enjoy being a single dad (if she keeps it) ... I hate my life, myself, and I actually have nobody but me to blame, which somehow makes it all seem worse... Oh, sure, other people can blame whoever or whatever they want, but I know they're trying to make themselves feel better about being in my corner... I still think they shouldn't be...

Oh well, c'est la vie.

I still love her more than anything, I basically didn't fuck up my relationship, but my whole life, and more upsettingly, hers too... I can never forgive myself, and will never forgive myself... I'm so lost... Oh well, enjoy this blog, it may be my last... Who knows?

Ponies: A Stable Life

Sooo... I thought I'd explain why I haven't posted in a while.

Firstly - My laptop is dead... again... has been for ages, but I can't afford to get it fixed til after xmas, expensive time of the year, and I haven't really needed it anyway, just used Katies' .. maybe I'll get a new one eventually, haven't decided, it's pretty old now, about 2/ 3 years, and it's given me a few problems, but it's still been a bloody amazing little thing.

Anyway, there's that, and Katie takes up a lot of my time off, I do love her... and then there's the xbox, and an occasional social life, and xmas shopping, and debt... hmm... welcome to adult life, it doesn't seem like that much til you list it :p

And the rest of the time I'm working in the Casino. Night shifts, and a job I love, it's really helping drag me outta my depression. My life has structure, it's now got stability, and routine... it won't be long before my mood levels out too... after I come off the tablets that is.

I do miss this blog, I miss ranting about things nobody cares about and not being told to shut up :p

Maybe I'll be coming back on a bit more, but for right now I need to get ready for work. Byee

Guess who?

Hmmmm what to say.....

Iv hijacked Stephens blog, hes too busy playing a game on the xbox to notice anyway :P oh and its Katie in case no one could figure that one out :P Its a good thing I don't have a blog because all it would be half the time is me saying 'hmmmmmm I don't know what to write about'

I now live with Stephen :) we haven't killed each other yet that's got to be an achievement :P I love this boy (man). Seriously this blogging is hard ur mind goes blank, note to self never get one of these. I should have just wrote random crap on here n pretended it was Stephen, wonder how long it would take him to notice....

Right my tummy says its mummy Karen's yummy brownie time :D

Byeee

You don't have to be mad to work here, but if you are you're fired...

I just heard something very interesting... According to the mental health act, if you've been sanctioned even once you cannot work in the public sector.

I'm sorry, but one little breakdown and suddenly you're public enemy numbers one to thirty? Even though you have been released and are therefore no longer deemed a threat to yourself or others? Bullshit!

This country has gone to shit; hi Mr. convicted paedophile, you were just released from prison because it's overcrowded and your crime was deemed a minor offence? Certainly we have a job for you, how about ice cream man? School bus driver? Lollipop man? Oh, I see you once stopped your car at a green light, got out and screamed... sorry, we'll hide you in the back of a dark factory or office where you can enjoy the most tedious work ever and we'll let your friends and neighbours know you were once a loony, so you'll be persecuted, become depressed and have another breakdown, but don't worry, you're on the sex offenders register, although your crimes are hidden and you're given a new identity to protect you.

I swear this is really pissing me off, I have depression, which has been classed as a mental illness and if it were to just get to me suddenly and I flipped, I would never be allowed either of my dream jobs as bartending and counselling are both majorly public sector. But if I were to murder somebody in full consciousness, I'd be out in 15 years max and given a job or at least able to get one as soon as thanks to the parole, which is more than I get right now while looking for a job...

There's another thing actually, everywhere I apply for says they need experience, but how do they think we get experience? And all these temporary Christmas jobs are given to 14 year olds because they're cheaper to hire, who have no experience, no enthusiasm and no idea what to do but are cheap and so can be hired over me any day.

Oh well, enough of this ranting, I'm starting to ... something, idk. Byee.

To be continued....

I need to write in this more, but the laptop has been fucking up a lot, loose connection, hopefully it's gunna be fixed today at some point.

Anyway, I can't think of anything to write right now, yet I haven't gone 5 mins without thinking I need to blog something since I've been unable to.

I remember wanting to complain about a lot of things, ads, tv, America... not that I'm prejudice, I hate everybody equally.

I also wanted to talk about good things that I like... Halo Reach, for example, has a lot of good points... some bad points ofc.

I've not actually wanted to blog about Katie moving in, which is strange, I do't feel a need to write about the big things in my life but I love just ranting about the tiny unimportant things? But who wants to really tell people they know their innermost thoughts on their life? Plus I don't know my own innermost thoughts, never do, just keep going with what makes me happy.

That's another thing I wanted to discuss - life's too short. And now I've been interrupted, and when I come back I'll have forgotten what I was talking about, and even if I do remember, anything relevant or funny will have gone from my mind, so I won't subject you to that crap, I'll update later when I have something... after a shower usually.

Byee

Info...

For those of you who don't know there is a reason I haven't updated in a while, and that's because I'm not sure people want to know about the day to day goings on in my life. It's not funny, not interesting and I won't care when reading it back.

However, this blog was created for that very reason originally and it got lost along the way, so a quick recap of my life so far:

- I'm with Katie, a girl I love so much I can't put it down in words and things are pretty serious between us... in fact, she's moving in soon... now for the bad news:

- I'm unemployed and dropped out of uni, so now I have no money at all

- Which brings us to the fact that I am still fighting off the depression on the good days, and losing a lot of the bad days

- My curiosity is still out of control. As is my paranoia. I get curious if I go out about who's doing what online, if I stay in about what I've missed on the days out, if I have an interview I get curious about the other candidates, and their interviews, and so on. I want to know everything there is to know in the world, which is impossible, and I can't seem to accept that. People interest me, maybe too much.

- I've been watching a lot of House lately, and on the bad days I revert to some of his mannerisms, the sarcasm is something I've always been blessed with, but insulting people has never been me.

- I think I'm either too old or too skint to enjoy myself on a night out now, usually both, although the depression may weigh in too. I've decided it's not my style and I don't want to do it anymore for a while. Maybe in a month or so I'll join somebody on their birthday, but it's not my scene right now.

Anyway, that's all from this edition of 'major headaches' stay tuned for more complaints, there will be enough.

Always the last place you look... Who keeps looking when they find it?!?!

Ahhh, this is what a blog should be. A forum for lifes' little annoyances and over opinionated ranting.

It's amazing how blind panic makes you miss things staring you right in the face. Emotion clouds judgement, vision and most importantly the truth.

How many times have you shouted and screamed at somebody for doing something only to realise it was your fault? Or even better, for not doing something only for them to prove they did do it? We all make fools of ourselves that way, and most of us continue to throughout life. And the smugness we feel on the other side of that argument nobody can deny makes you feel almost Godly.

But really it makes no sense for us to be so embarrassed afterwards. What have we lost? A little pride, which is a pointless construct anyway, designed to separate the classes, which is itself an outdated system. And yet what have we gained? We're no longer shouting, panic-stricken and stressed, and we've got whatever it is that needed doing; done, that needed finding; found. So we should thank the other person, not shy away apologising profusely... Although we should apologise for losing it before we thank them. Hell, even being proved wrong about something trivial you said gives you more knowledge.

So, to all those who have proven me wrong, thank you. Unless I don't like you, in which case I'm not sorry I shouted, because you deserved it for some reason, even if it wasn't the one I screamed at you for.

Byee.