When I felt like I couldn't turn to anybody specific, I would turn to myself and tell the world.
So I'm in that situation once more. I have some very confusing feelings about Katie, and I care about her a lot, but a few weeks into a relationship means that I don't love her yet, and I can't say for certain that I ever will, which in itself is bugging me, because she deserves and could do so much better than me, but I choose not to question her insanity, she wants me for some reason, poor lass :p
Anyway, I can talk about that with anybody, the real problem is I'm still in love with Giulia... it hasn't changed really, except that I'm seeing clearly without her that it wouldn't work and if she wanted me back I'd like to think I've matured enough to actually consider saying no, in a polite way, of course, even if I wouldn't actually say no.
I can't talk about that with anybody, because my mates... sorry about this, I'm not having a go, belittling your opinions or denying the truth in your arguments... but they don't believe that what I felt for Giulia existed at all. Not their fault, maybe they are right and I'm just too stubborn and sensitive to see it, who knows? But as long as I know that they're thinking 'Oh, God, not this again..' or 'Yeah, and I'm the King of Spain' I won't feel completely comfortable discussing it with them.
Personally, I don't think I judge, it takes me a while usually to form an opinion on anything, but I am a hypocrite and blind to my flaws in that sense, so I probably do judge a lot. In which case I'm sure there are many many things they keep from me, not because they don't trust me or they don't want to talk about it with me, but because they don't feel comfortable discussing it with somebody they feel has already made their mind up about it all.
.... Okay, that seemed so self righteous, and I hate it, but it's the best I can do at half 2, so I'm sorry for the accusatory tone and arrogant air. Honestly, so sorry about that, and I'll work on it. I've always hated my arrogance, but it's the only way I've ever been able to build up my confidence enough to talk to people, now that I can talk to anybody I need to lose it, but old habits die hard and all that...
Right, so to recap, I am worried that I will never feel the way I felt about Giulia for anyone else... And that may be a good thing. I've been thinking a lot lately about those things I said I'd like to try with her... and not going into details here, thank God I can hear you shout... But a lot of those... just seem wrong with Katie, and wrong with anybody else when I think about it. Fantasies are probably better in the imagination, and maybe I'll live out one or two with Katie or any future partners, but if not I don't feel any loss.
Perhaps a lot of what I felt for her was lust... but, in all honesty, I'd have been perfectly happy with a strictly platonic relationship... even if I didn't show it sometimes... just all those things people label as cheesy instead of romantic, but when you feel that way you stop caring what they call it. Things like holding her close until she falls asleep, watching her write something important in silence so she doesn't get distracted, being there when she needs you, and when she doesn't, teaching her to play pool, sitting watching a bad movie just for an excuse to cuddle... but the problem is I got 1 of those, possibly 2, but not the full experience of either, so many say that I cannot know I'd have felt that way when doing it. I agree, but I keep an open mind. Don't know for sure about anything until you try it.
I'll end it there, because there is nothing profound going to come out of this, and I'm not even sure there was a point to it, just mindless ranting for the sake of it.. but if it was heading anywhere important I'm sure I'll bring it up again eventually. Byee.
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