Tuesday can't roll around quick enough...

So I finally get to see what it's like to be on the other side of counselling... I'm a little nervous, that's natural with the unknown, I'm extremely unsure of what will happen, what I'll say, what I should talk about etc, but I imagine it'll all come naturally to me, talking always does.

Mostly though, I'm relieved. I have a lot of stuff built up inside of me, and I doubt I'll let most of it out, but if I let even just a little out it'll be good. Because right now, I'm miserable, I'm not great to be around, I put on a fake smile and pretend everything is great while I slowly drink myself into a coma and throw insults out to everybody who says so much as 'hi'

I'm not being a good friend to those who need me, because when the low mood strikes I think 'what's the point, fuck off, I cba with your problems, I have issues of my own.' and when the happy mood comes along I tend to think 'don't bring me down, I don't care about your problems, I'm actually happy for a change.'

I make plans and never keep them because I feel down or I haven't got the energy or I just never had any intention of going in the first place, but instead of being honest I lie and cover it up with more lies.

Honestly, I don't know what I think, feel, do or say anymore. Depression is horrific, but it's not completely to blame. Dr. Jekyll is kind, caring, considerate, compassionate to a fault, but he still has Mr. Hyde who says 'fuck off, you're not worth my time, go cry to somebody who cares... oh wait, nobody does.'

I don't like the Mr. Hyde inside of me, or for anybody who watches the new Doctor Who, *SPOILER* the 'Dream Lord' inside *SPOILER*

But the fact of the matter is that it exists, denying it would be wrong, accepting it completely is equally wrong. I accept that it exists, and I will occasionally indulge it, if only to make it easier to live with. However, I apologise to any of you affected by it, and once I'm over this depression I will make it up to you all :p