Like a phoenix, rising from the ashes to soar majestically....

Meaghan doesn't like me to be happy. When I'm happy, my writing suffers, I have less inspiration, less of a need to write in my blog. And she's right, but why is that?

Why does depression inspire greatness? Looking at my friends I can see several cases where misery has helped their creativity, where happiness stunted it. And it takes less than 2 mins to find out that the literary world is filled with great authors and poets who wrote through tragedy.. What is it about sadness that brings out these gifts?

Are we trying to overcome our grief in a way society deems okay, are we trying to put down in words how we feel at that particular moment so as to never forget it and to learn and grow from it, or are we merely trying to escape into our own worlds where we can find true happiness? Personally, it seems a combination of all of those, and none of those.

And it's not just literature, but art, film, even photography.

Disaster may inspire creativity for many reasons, barely half of which we will ever know or understand, and as for the complexities of the human mind when dealing with things like this I won't even try to comprehend.

All I know is that while this happens, I will enjoy the irony of seeing the best humanity has to offer contrasted by the fact it has risen from the worst humanity has to offer.

A town called hypocrisy....

I'm torn.. as always... between what I promised and what I really want to talk about...

I promised a blog on patriotism, and I'm going to get slated for it. I want to talk about Katie, but I haven't got anything to say, it just happens and makes me feel happy. Also, watching Cougar Town and the whole 'that's what she said' came up... that joke rules, and is such a universal guy thing, and cannot be used by girls... Partly because they're more mature, but mostly because it's not their thing :p

Anyway, sidetrack over, I'll talk more about things with Katie Kat when there's more to report, relationships that are only 3 days in don't make for good reading or writing to anybody who isn't involved personally. I'll talk about writing later too, specifically mine, which sucks, but handwritten, so nobody else has seen it :)

But I made a promise, and so here is the patriotic blog... or not so patriotic, depending on your particular viewpoint.

Something I realised while complaining about the world cup, is how hypocritical everybody becomes about this country. The St. Georges' cross is flown from every other house, people walk around with their faces and shirts painted red and white, and we argue with anybody who claims it offends them. I have no problems with that at all. The issue I take is larger.

Where is this pride every other time of every other year? Why is it that it takes 4 years before we show this kind of commitment to our country? We fly the flag any other time, we get called racist, we fly it now, we get called racist, but if we're willing to fight for it over football, why shouldn't we fight for it other times, when there is more reason, for example St. Georges' Day... how many of you have been out and celebrated that? Or even shown you know about it? Yet mention Paddys' and suddenly everybody is in an uproar if they can't make it out.

Civil disobedience, it's part of our history, women owe their votes to it, workers owe their unions to it, and especially in the North East which is heavily soaked throughout its history with fighting for what we believe in. Sunderland fought alongside Scotland against England, we fought against this country because we disagreed with what was going on. People have been outraged by the election, but who has actually done anything about it? What happened to this once great and outspoken country? We had some of the original martyrs for Christs' sake!

This is why I consider myself more Scottish than English, the fire is still alight in my blood, and I am ready to face whatever is thrown at me if I believe in something, because I will not back down just because it's inconvenient. You lot don't want to fly the flag all year every year, but you'll do it when everybody else is? Cowards, the lot of you. Do it all year every year, somebody complains then argue your point, the point you use now, because if it's valid it'll stand up to opposition. Simples.

P.S. I should add a disclaimer should anybody decide to do something stupid after reading this, I did not tell you to, I may have encouraged it, but all I really want and the reason I wrote this is so people will stop with the hypocrisy.

A prrrrrrrrrrrrr-fect storm...

Been a while since I updated and nobody replies to these things anyway :p

I apologise Katie if you'd rather this were private, say the word and this is gone into the ether, but I have boundary issues n can never tell what's too far... plus I'm hungover n tired, not a great combo.

For those who don't know already, get off my blog you fairweather readers. But seriously, she is amazing, in fact if I'd known her at any other time in my life I would've chased her to the ends of the Earth... then watched as she proved the world was flat by jumping off rather than talk to me :p

The fact of the matter is, and I'v told her this already so it's no great revelation to her, I have boundary issues I'm not a completely oblivious twat like some people I know... I swear they seem to know less and less every time, it's like school going backwards for them... anyway, off topic here... like I was saying, I am finding it hard to be sure if I like her for her or if she's just a rebound, which she never should be.

We've talked about it, I've told her it's a very bad idea to fall for me, I don't know what I want at the best of times, and right now my head's a mess so it's impossible for anybody to know what I want... we came to the conclusion that if it happens it happens, but I still feel immensely guilty if I end up stringing her along then breaking her heart...

Anyway, I'm writing this blog because I'm attempting to empty my mind in order to try something advised to me by a good friend... a great friend, but that's a moot point... but it's not working. I feel like I'm falling for this grril (in-joke, sorry) but am I falling for her, or for what I see her as?

I think I've just decided... Katie Kat, you are an incredible lass, and you deserve so much better than a guy who can't make his mind up if he likes you or not, and as hard as it is for me to say maybe you should ... WE should... take steps to make sure you don't fall for me until I know what you really mean to me... why'd you have to do this to me? :p I just wanted to have some fun, enjoy my youth, sleep around, and you had to be so bloody perfect that I couldn't help falling for you, didn't you? :)

I'll let you all know what I decide, as if you care, but I will be telling her before any of you, it's only right.

Que sera, sera.

Your feedback could win you absolutely fuck all, but do it anyway....

Honestly hadn't meant to mention anything bout Giulia again really... but had a couple of... interesting opinions. And that makes me curious.

So here it is, don't worry, I'm not gunna shoot you down, get upset or anything like that, I want 100% honesty to the point of brutality if you have to. What are your opinions of what happened between us?

How many of you think I'm too naive to have felt anything real for her? Who thinks that long distance and online is just for 13 year olds who don't know any better? And who actually thinks I fell for her, got crushed and will never love again?

Truth be told, there's no way to ask any of that without sounding pathetic, patronising and more than a little annoyed, but I genuinely want to know the opinions of you lot, even if I don't agree with parts of them.

Dan, Bri, you've given yours, thanks, and I honestly don't want to have a go or seem like a stubborn idiot, so I'm not going to argue, I appreciate your candour and I have honestly thought a lot about what you both said and there are parts I agree with and parts I disagree with, but that's my prerogative.

So come on, all of you who read this and haven't offered any opinions yet, I want to know and if you don't have the balls to tell me what you really think then why the hell are you even reading this? Just seems a little hypocritical to read about my honest and sometimes blunt opinions when you offer nothing in return, so here's your chance.

I look forward to the masses of emails I won't get in response to this :p

Fuck you very much....

I love my family, I do, but there's only so much a guy can take before he's ready to go on a killing spree.

Today it was my brother... usually I'm on his side, but today he pushed it waaaay too far. I've not had a great day today in general, and so my temper was already a little raw, but thankfully I held it in and didn't hit him, didn't shout and scream in the middle of the town centre.

I'd been sent, once again, to buy the presents and cards for dads birthday. Why every special occasion, birthday, anniversary, Christmas, etc. I'm the one stuck getting it all is beyond me. I had my mothers xmas gift in since July, and I've had dads birthday prezzie in for the past month n a bit. So why am I the one sent to get him things for everybody else to give to him? Happens every time, Christmas is worst, I have the stuff in looooong before it comes along, and yet mam still waits til the last week to say 'could you get this for your nanna, I can't make it to the town without her' dad still waits til 2 weeks before the day to say 'can you get your mams card for me?' and Tony will insist on claiming to be working and so busy he can't get me a present, but sends me down to buy my own, pay for it with my money which he calims he'll pay me back, but forgts to mention he won't until September.

Anyway, today he claimed to have work to get out of the house without mam asking what he's up to, where he's going, and telling him to go do this n that for her, so he asked me to get dad some t-shirts from primark (not even his idea) and then borrowed the money from me to get them himself. He got to the town shortly before I was leaving, and when I told him to pick out a couple of t-shirts he went in a huff claiming I should've done that already and that he's not going to do anything.

This led to an argument about how he's such a selfish arrogant little prick, how he begged me to buy splinter cell conviction so we could play the co-op, then proceeded to play it with his mates while I was in the room. Now I'v been told I must buy him Red Dead Redemption because he doesn't have the money right now and needs the game this minute, even though it's sold out everywhere. He says he'll pay me back, the last time he did that he turned around half an hour later and asked for the money back for something else. He takes money from me constantly, and pays me back, then borrows it again.. And for what? He spends his wages after a week of having them, so for 3 weeks I have to fucking keep him using my student loan which is rapidly running out.

Not to mention whenever we spend any kind of time together as brothers he insists it's on his time and his terms, I'm kicked out the room if any of his mates suddenly is free to come up, and then he has the cheek to tell me he hates staying in and playing the xbox all the time. When I asked him the last time he had invited me out anywhere, Rileys, a pub, or just out for the hell of it, he couldn't say, and he has never once paid for any of those times when we have gone out to do something.

So to him I'm a fucking butler. I buy him things, pay for his days out, give him money when he asks and I'm here as a form of entertainment whenever he is bored and has nobody else. And what's more, I don't even get paid for this, I just get the privilege of serving him... that's not even a butler, that's slavery.

I have been nothing but selfless with him and most others, I give and give and give, and what have I gotten in return? A broken heart from a girl who needed an introduction to relationships and used me as such, sore legs from a mother who sends me to do every little thing that she could possibly think of coz she's too lazy to get up n do it herself, a bank balance that will soon be in the minus numbers due to paying for everything for everybody, a brother who treats me like his own personal blockbusters, oh, and he lends my dvds and our games out and never gets them back. I'm sure there are a lot of other things I've gotten for being fairly selfless, but it's not in my nature to change, so I will continue to be taken advantage of by people who are supposed to care.

Well, to all of you out there who have done so in the past, will in the future, or are currently doing so now, hope you're happy, I'm gunna die young, miserable and it's probably safe to say completely overwhelmed by debt.

The fallen are the virtuous among us....

So sorry if I ever resisted,

I never had a doubt you ever existed,

I only have a problem when people insist on

Taking their hate, placing it on your name...

- Franz Ferdinand, The Fallen

I like this quote, because it sums up how I feel about religion, in particular Christianity. I have no problem with those who delude themselves into believing a book written 700 years after the events by people who were apparently there... ok, so I have a little problem with them, but that's perfectly alright, I'm entitled to my opinion. At least, I am, as long as I'm not talking to anybody opinionated and considers themselves extremely religious, because then if I disagree I must surely be shot.

There are many decent Christians, as with all people, races, creeds, ages, etc. The few vastly outweigh the many. It is a shame, and to any true religious people reading this, I'm sorry, and I appreciate that you have your opinion, and respect that, as you do with me.

However, when people kill in the name of God, torture for Jesus, etc. that is where I have a major problem. How can you claim to do anything for the greater good, then turn around and act against everything you claim to believe in and still state that you're doing it for those reasons. The contradiction that runs through every religion is just mindblowing, but still people choose to act against it in order to 'protect' it. It annoys me so much.

'Thou shalt not kill' is thrown around a lot when talking about abortion, which medicine, science and each religion still can't decide on an official time where a foetus becomes a life, but when it comes to war it can be justified?

All life is sacred to God, and he gave us free will to choose for ourselves what to believe, but if we don't believe in him and actively try to demonstrate that we are usually taken care of by an extremist. How can this go on? And how come, even though it has been pointed out a million times before, nobody takes any notice? I mean, if you argue with somebody who believes they are in the right and they believe in God, every point you put across is thrown aside as 'God tests people'.

At what point does an argument need only one line to win?

Anyway, this is all pointless... apart from showing people who don't really know me where I stand on abortion (I'm for it) and religion (I understand why people believe, but I personally don't)

Byee.

I don't need you to worry for me, 'cause I'm alright...

I'm at a loss as to what to write. My head hurts, I'm tired and my cheeks are aching from the painted smile. I feel like I'm gunna throw up. Oh, and my feet are numb, but that has nothing to do with the depression and everything to do with the big fat heavy dog lying on them.

I'm having a bad day, and the wonderful thing about depression is that nothing even needs to set it off. It just happens. And when it does, even smiling naturally feels forced and faux.

I still think about her. Every second, of ever minute, of every hour, of every day. The only clean and ironed shirt I had the other day was a gift from her. I miss my love, but I also miss my friend. I assume this is what set today off. Even though I'm a lot more active, and my friends have put up with a lot of shit over the past few weeks/ months about this, they're still here, still trying to cheer me up, still being fucking amazing, and yet when times like this come along it's not enough.

I'll be fine tomorrow though.. hopefully. The urge to go bungee-ing without a cord is already fading, and the urge to cry is becoming more due to hayfever than emotion. Self-loathing is still here, but that was a pre-existing condition, simply heightened by the events.

Anyway, I wanted to write an entry for this, dunno why. Also, been wondering for a while how the hell people aren't sick of me by now?

And now lets leave it with the great Billy Joel:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85sIJcC8zbs