The fallen are the virtuous among us....

So sorry if I ever resisted,

I never had a doubt you ever existed,

I only have a problem when people insist on

Taking their hate, placing it on your name...

- Franz Ferdinand, The Fallen

I like this quote, because it sums up how I feel about religion, in particular Christianity. I have no problem with those who delude themselves into believing a book written 700 years after the events by people who were apparently there... ok, so I have a little problem with them, but that's perfectly alright, I'm entitled to my opinion. At least, I am, as long as I'm not talking to anybody opinionated and considers themselves extremely religious, because then if I disagree I must surely be shot.

There are many decent Christians, as with all people, races, creeds, ages, etc. The few vastly outweigh the many. It is a shame, and to any true religious people reading this, I'm sorry, and I appreciate that you have your opinion, and respect that, as you do with me.

However, when people kill in the name of God, torture for Jesus, etc. that is where I have a major problem. How can you claim to do anything for the greater good, then turn around and act against everything you claim to believe in and still state that you're doing it for those reasons. The contradiction that runs through every religion is just mindblowing, but still people choose to act against it in order to 'protect' it. It annoys me so much.

'Thou shalt not kill' is thrown around a lot when talking about abortion, which medicine, science and each religion still can't decide on an official time where a foetus becomes a life, but when it comes to war it can be justified?

All life is sacred to God, and he gave us free will to choose for ourselves what to believe, but if we don't believe in him and actively try to demonstrate that we are usually taken care of by an extremist. How can this go on? And how come, even though it has been pointed out a million times before, nobody takes any notice? I mean, if you argue with somebody who believes they are in the right and they believe in God, every point you put across is thrown aside as 'God tests people'.

At what point does an argument need only one line to win?

Anyway, this is all pointless... apart from showing people who don't really know me where I stand on abortion (I'm for it) and religion (I understand why people believe, but I personally don't)

Byee.

I don't need you to worry for me, 'cause I'm alright...

I'm at a loss as to what to write. My head hurts, I'm tired and my cheeks are aching from the painted smile. I feel like I'm gunna throw up. Oh, and my feet are numb, but that has nothing to do with the depression and everything to do with the big fat heavy dog lying on them.

I'm having a bad day, and the wonderful thing about depression is that nothing even needs to set it off. It just happens. And when it does, even smiling naturally feels forced and faux.

I still think about her. Every second, of ever minute, of every hour, of every day. The only clean and ironed shirt I had the other day was a gift from her. I miss my love, but I also miss my friend. I assume this is what set today off. Even though I'm a lot more active, and my friends have put up with a lot of shit over the past few weeks/ months about this, they're still here, still trying to cheer me up, still being fucking amazing, and yet when times like this come along it's not enough.

I'll be fine tomorrow though.. hopefully. The urge to go bungee-ing without a cord is already fading, and the urge to cry is becoming more due to hayfever than emotion. Self-loathing is still here, but that was a pre-existing condition, simply heightened by the events.

Anyway, I wanted to write an entry for this, dunno why. Also, been wondering for a while how the hell people aren't sick of me by now?

And now lets leave it with the great Billy Joel:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85sIJcC8zbs

This is how my mind works... seriously...

A list of things not worth writing a full blog bout :p

Whole new meaning to 'I just blew my diet'

Somebody... I assume a lonely medical student with too much time on his hands... among other things... internet access, and a list of free porn sites that make Heffs' bibliography look like a footnote... has discovered how many calories are in sperm. Who is that for really? You're on a diet, go out, have fun, and then suddenly you're not allowed that glass of wine?

Yes, more ad complaints

'I used to eat extremely sour yoghurt, and you could see that I wasn't happy about it?' - WHY EAT IT THEN!?!? Adverts are sooo annoying.

It just won't die!

Big brother is returning. Again. For another 'final series'. How many is that now? The 7th final ever series? Does anybody even watch it anymore? IT...JUST...WON'T....DIE... When the Earth is blown apart by nuclear weapons, the only thing left will be cockroaches and Big Brother. End it already, for my sanity.

Final thought

Supernatural portrayed heaven as each individuals best memories. However, I believe that if there were a God, which I know why people choose to believe, but I can't get behind any of those reasons, but if there were a God and a heaven it would be what we make of it, not a memory of a person, but the virtual equivalent of that person, exactly how we remember them projected into a person who we can actually interact with. How boring would it be spending eternity reliving the same moments? You'd go insane.

That's all for now.

To Giulia

Hi.

I'm writing this last thing and then never gunna bother you again, promise.

I'm using it as an excuse to get down everything in 1 go, so I can start anew.

First, you were right, I do need time and space away from you to get over you, a week was never gunna be enough. Sorry I didn't realise it at the time and tried to keep you around on the insane notion I could get you back.

Second, he's a good guy, and I hope it works with you both, I'm sure he'll help you get over your issues with relationships, so good luck.

Third, I'm finally ready to move on. The best way I can explain is using the 5 stages of grief, which you're not dead, but the relationship is, so I think it's a good enough comparison.

Denial - Oh, boy there was a lot of that. Denied you were closed off, denied you weren't happy, denied it wouldn't work between us, denied we needed time apart and mostly denied if we broke up, didn't talk for a while, that we'd lose our connection and our friendship would die... think that was the worst one.

Anger - Ah, who can forget the fights at 5am when you came back from his, even before we broke up. I was bitter... I don't like that about me... oh well.

Bargaining - I can't believe I begged you for sex and friendship, my God... But, my only defence is insanity, love makes you do crazy things.

Depression - Lets not go there :p You're one of the main reasons I'm on stronger tablets.

And finally acceptance. I'm ready to begin the long and painful process of getting over you. But it probably won't take too long, I mean I'm young, dumb and full of... well, you know the saying. I'll bounce back sooner than you'd think.

Anyway, thanks for everything, and sorry for it. Don't feel guilty, I told you before it would do it again in a heartbeat... probably the same way, because that's who I am. Maybe in a year or 10 we can get in touch, and if we still click then I'll have a wonderful friend back, if we're not as synchronised then we can go out separate ways, but at least we tried to stay friends.

I guess this sin't goodbye really, but it is for now, more like til we meet again my friend.

fuck off....

Ok, now she's gone for good, I'm crying my eyes out, pathetic, I know, and there's no excuse. I am worthless, useless, hopeless and pointless, not to mention a lot of other words ending in 'less'... but I don't care, it hurts and I see no point in anything anymore.... I literally can't stop crying, so do me a favour everybody and fuck off and leave me to die in my own web of self pity alone. thanks.

Ps. this isn't a suicide note.

I promised to talk about counselling...

Counselling was... different.

It's hard to explain, and too soon to tell if it'll work or not. But the general consensus is it's a good thing.

I talked a lot, it's surprising how much you can fit into half an hour. Family, mostly, what I want and expect from this, Giulia (briefly) and uni. It was an intro session, so he didn't talk much, but he had some good insight.

Another appointment - June 22nd, might let you know how it goes.

Byee.

The midnight blues... (Or 4AM Forever...)

I am very tired, but can't sleep, so forgive the occasional spelling and grammar issues, but I've never cared much about them on here.

I'm not totally inspired to write, mostly doing this out of boredom, so it'll be a random collection of my thoughts and feelings, which means yes, you can stop reading now, there's no point continuing from here.

As always, I feel pretty apathetic. Although there's a little part of me that has always felt self-destructive, it seems to wax and wan recently. I feel lost, genuinely, I don't understand why I'm still here. I'm finding it harder and harder to come up with reasons as to why I exist. I've helped a lot of people, but they could probably do that themselves, I just offer a non-judgemental objective view of their situations, and half the time I ask them what they think is the right thing to do, it's usually the best option for all concerned... But who really needs that? I mean, you could ask yourself that, or anybody at all you tell it to would ask what you think is best. So why am I different? Why do I matter at all?

I give barely passable advice that is sometimes taken, often forgotten even after it's been taken, I ramble constantly but never seem to do anything about it, and ultimately, if I died tomorrow my life could be summed up in 3 words. Big. Fucking. Mistake.

A lot of people have said to me over the years 'you know exactly what to say, you always know what I'm thinking, or how I'm feeling.' I like to say it's just natural empathy, I'm gifted, but most of the time I know what they're going through emotionally because I've been there in similar situations. The advice I give is what I know I should've done, and it's the same advice any outsider would give. Subjectivity clouds the mind, so asking complete strangers who have no emotional investment in either possibility is usually a good thing. Especially since you'll put a spin on it to make the choice you want seem the best, that'd at least show you which option you'd rather go for if nothing else.

I'm ranting again, probly repeated myself a few million times too, I tend to do that a lot when I'm tired and not focused completely on what I'm saying. Hell, even when I am focused I repeat myself a lot.

I guess I'm just nervous about counselling, it'll pass. This has taken my mind off it a little, so I guess that's good.

Oh, and for most of you who read this... I got asked no questions, not even 'what do you honestly think of me?' or a stupid one like 'what's your fav flower?'

Btw, the answer to the latter is a single black wooden rose that I'd carve and paint myself. Like anyone cares... why do people read this again? .... I mean, I know Meaghan reads it to distract her from stuff, Katie reads it coz she feels obliged to, Jim reads it occasionally to avoid having to listen to it a few times from me, Giulia reads it coz we don't speak as often so she likes to know what's going on in my life... weird, but she'll get past it soon enough and go back to ignoring me like the rest of the world... hopefully... for her sake...

And now I feel pathetic, and lonely, self-pitying, useless and a complete dick. Even though I hate people, both love myself and loathe a lot of myself too, and have a small part of me believing that I actually do make a difference. I am a walking contradiction.