It's because I don't find it all that interesting. My feelings are confusing, my relationship is confusing and Giulia is confusing... although she always has been, so that's hardly new, and I'm rarely certain of my feelings for anything, so that isn't new either. That leaves the confusion of the relationship, which when I explain it aloud makes me feel like I'm a complete fucking bastard, and yet people keep reassuring me that I'm not doing anything wrong.
Dan says no risk, no reward, Meaghan says it's a phase and I've been through it before, it'll pass, Katie says if it's gunna happen there's nothing I can do to stop it and Matty says... well, I think it was something along the lines of give it a go, what have you go to lose, but there were a lot of jokes and more than a few video game references.
Still doesn't stop me feeling guilty for something I have no control over which would happen with or without me... well, not without me, but it'd happen the same way if I had done things differently. What with all of that, these frequent headaches that I refuse to take tablets for because I'm pretty sure they're caused by the depression, the erratic sleep patterns creeping in again and this continual feeling that I've forgotten something I'm not doing so great...
On the outside I'm the picture of health, and usually seem pretty happy, but inside I'm tearing myself apart and I can't seem to stop it. I'm even questioning if I was ever actually happy in my entire life... I must've been as a child, every child is happy... well, barring certain unforgivable circumstances... but right now, and for the past God knows how many years, I can't see myself ever being happy again.
I know what everybody will say and think, but I do honestly believe the one thing that will bring me closer to happiness is a job behind a bar. All my life, ever since I was tiny and visiting my mother at work, watching the drunks playing pool, people ducking as they threw the darts at the projector screen instead of the dartboard behind them, smelling that amazing combination of lager, spirits, bacon fries and smoke (which will never happen again, unfortunately) I have wanted to spend as much time as possible in pubs.
It's all I've ever wanted to do throughout life, even though my mother has constantly told me never to, and to aim higher for a better job, with better prospects and much better pay, which is why I've had an extremely hard time finding a career path to follow. And so, reluctantly, out of fear, out of a desire to achieve something more publicly acceptable and respected, I've put that on the backburner and fucked up every chance I've had of getting closer to anything else.
I think I've gone on too long, so I'll leave it there with my shattered dreams and fantasies that will never come to fruition, and instead I'll go down to uni... or probly better to send an e-mail, asking what I need to do for my deffered work, and finish that, move on with this course which, interesting though it can be sometimes, really doesn't make me want any of this life at all.
Byee.
No comments:
Post a Comment