Ponies: A Stable Life

Sooo... I thought I'd explain why I haven't posted in a while.

Firstly - My laptop is dead... again... has been for ages, but I can't afford to get it fixed til after xmas, expensive time of the year, and I haven't really needed it anyway, just used Katies' .. maybe I'll get a new one eventually, haven't decided, it's pretty old now, about 2/ 3 years, and it's given me a few problems, but it's still been a bloody amazing little thing.

Anyway, there's that, and Katie takes up a lot of my time off, I do love her... and then there's the xbox, and an occasional social life, and xmas shopping, and debt... hmm... welcome to adult life, it doesn't seem like that much til you list it :p

And the rest of the time I'm working in the Casino. Night shifts, and a job I love, it's really helping drag me outta my depression. My life has structure, it's now got stability, and routine... it won't be long before my mood levels out too... after I come off the tablets that is.

I do miss this blog, I miss ranting about things nobody cares about and not being told to shut up :p

Maybe I'll be coming back on a bit more, but for right now I need to get ready for work. Byee

Guess who?

Hmmmm what to say.....

Iv hijacked Stephens blog, hes too busy playing a game on the xbox to notice anyway :P oh and its Katie in case no one could figure that one out :P Its a good thing I don't have a blog because all it would be half the time is me saying 'hmmmmmm I don't know what to write about'

I now live with Stephen :) we haven't killed each other yet that's got to be an achievement :P I love this boy (man). Seriously this blogging is hard ur mind goes blank, note to self never get one of these. I should have just wrote random crap on here n pretended it was Stephen, wonder how long it would take him to notice....

Right my tummy says its mummy Karen's yummy brownie time :D

Byeee

You don't have to be mad to work here, but if you are you're fired...

I just heard something very interesting... According to the mental health act, if you've been sanctioned even once you cannot work in the public sector.

I'm sorry, but one little breakdown and suddenly you're public enemy numbers one to thirty? Even though you have been released and are therefore no longer deemed a threat to yourself or others? Bullshit!

This country has gone to shit; hi Mr. convicted paedophile, you were just released from prison because it's overcrowded and your crime was deemed a minor offence? Certainly we have a job for you, how about ice cream man? School bus driver? Lollipop man? Oh, I see you once stopped your car at a green light, got out and screamed... sorry, we'll hide you in the back of a dark factory or office where you can enjoy the most tedious work ever and we'll let your friends and neighbours know you were once a loony, so you'll be persecuted, become depressed and have another breakdown, but don't worry, you're on the sex offenders register, although your crimes are hidden and you're given a new identity to protect you.

I swear this is really pissing me off, I have depression, which has been classed as a mental illness and if it were to just get to me suddenly and I flipped, I would never be allowed either of my dream jobs as bartending and counselling are both majorly public sector. But if I were to murder somebody in full consciousness, I'd be out in 15 years max and given a job or at least able to get one as soon as thanks to the parole, which is more than I get right now while looking for a job...

There's another thing actually, everywhere I apply for says they need experience, but how do they think we get experience? And all these temporary Christmas jobs are given to 14 year olds because they're cheaper to hire, who have no experience, no enthusiasm and no idea what to do but are cheap and so can be hired over me any day.

Oh well, enough of this ranting, I'm starting to ... something, idk. Byee.

To be continued....

I need to write in this more, but the laptop has been fucking up a lot, loose connection, hopefully it's gunna be fixed today at some point.

Anyway, I can't think of anything to write right now, yet I haven't gone 5 mins without thinking I need to blog something since I've been unable to.

I remember wanting to complain about a lot of things, ads, tv, America... not that I'm prejudice, I hate everybody equally.

I also wanted to talk about good things that I like... Halo Reach, for example, has a lot of good points... some bad points ofc.

I've not actually wanted to blog about Katie moving in, which is strange, I do't feel a need to write about the big things in my life but I love just ranting about the tiny unimportant things? But who wants to really tell people they know their innermost thoughts on their life? Plus I don't know my own innermost thoughts, never do, just keep going with what makes me happy.

That's another thing I wanted to discuss - life's too short. And now I've been interrupted, and when I come back I'll have forgotten what I was talking about, and even if I do remember, anything relevant or funny will have gone from my mind, so I won't subject you to that crap, I'll update later when I have something... after a shower usually.

Byee

Info...

For those of you who don't know there is a reason I haven't updated in a while, and that's because I'm not sure people want to know about the day to day goings on in my life. It's not funny, not interesting and I won't care when reading it back.

However, this blog was created for that very reason originally and it got lost along the way, so a quick recap of my life so far:

- I'm with Katie, a girl I love so much I can't put it down in words and things are pretty serious between us... in fact, she's moving in soon... now for the bad news:

- I'm unemployed and dropped out of uni, so now I have no money at all

- Which brings us to the fact that I am still fighting off the depression on the good days, and losing a lot of the bad days

- My curiosity is still out of control. As is my paranoia. I get curious if I go out about who's doing what online, if I stay in about what I've missed on the days out, if I have an interview I get curious about the other candidates, and their interviews, and so on. I want to know everything there is to know in the world, which is impossible, and I can't seem to accept that. People interest me, maybe too much.

- I've been watching a lot of House lately, and on the bad days I revert to some of his mannerisms, the sarcasm is something I've always been blessed with, but insulting people has never been me.

- I think I'm either too old or too skint to enjoy myself on a night out now, usually both, although the depression may weigh in too. I've decided it's not my style and I don't want to do it anymore for a while. Maybe in a month or so I'll join somebody on their birthday, but it's not my scene right now.

Anyway, that's all from this edition of 'major headaches' stay tuned for more complaints, there will be enough.

Always the last place you look... Who keeps looking when they find it?!?!

Ahhh, this is what a blog should be. A forum for lifes' little annoyances and over opinionated ranting.

It's amazing how blind panic makes you miss things staring you right in the face. Emotion clouds judgement, vision and most importantly the truth.

How many times have you shouted and screamed at somebody for doing something only to realise it was your fault? Or even better, for not doing something only for them to prove they did do it? We all make fools of ourselves that way, and most of us continue to throughout life. And the smugness we feel on the other side of that argument nobody can deny makes you feel almost Godly.

But really it makes no sense for us to be so embarrassed afterwards. What have we lost? A little pride, which is a pointless construct anyway, designed to separate the classes, which is itself an outdated system. And yet what have we gained? We're no longer shouting, panic-stricken and stressed, and we've got whatever it is that needed doing; done, that needed finding; found. So we should thank the other person, not shy away apologising profusely... Although we should apologise for losing it before we thank them. Hell, even being proved wrong about something trivial you said gives you more knowledge.

So, to all those who have proven me wrong, thank you. Unless I don't like you, in which case I'm not sorry I shouted, because you deserved it for some reason, even if it wasn't the one I screamed at you for.

Byee.

We're never so alone as when we're surrounded by people...

I said that to Katie last week, and it is so true.

I have some wonderful friends... some of the best anybody could ever have... and yet there's still things I can't talk to them about. Each of them actually I can talk to about most things, and yet I choose which one to talk to about which subject.

But when it comes to some subjects it's hard for me to open up still, and even if I did there are parts of my life I don't want some of them knowing, or that they won't want to know, you know?

Ergh, I'm rambling... And I don't even know where this is going... just one of those days... fuck it.

Byee.

SBC - Suicide By Crabs

Interesting on the front page of the Sun today... yes, we get the sun, but only for the tv mag, tori shite...

Suicide by prostitute. Interesting, but personally I don't get it, he hung himself in the woods while they taunted him. If it was gunna be suicide by prostitute I'd want my moneys worth, I'd want to do things that would cost the whole bank account... which right now would only get her topless for 20 seconds.... but anyway, I'd have the full package, a line of girls ready to fuck me to death. If I wanted to pay somebody to hang me then I'd hire a hitman, at least they'd make sure you were dead and leave you to be found.

Right, now lets move on from morbidity and sexual deviancy before I get complaints.

I've quit uni now, maybe temporarily, maybe for good, I don't know, I don't have a plan for life, not a clue what I wanna do with myself, no long term career choice... and yet, I have never been happier... I'm free, I can do anything, I can just survive and sort myself out. And it feels amazing.

Anyway, have to go now, dog's going mental and I left dragon age running, byee.

Wit, charm, chrisma... just three of the things I've lost.. oh, and coherency

Hmm.... Pretty sure everyone I know hates me for one reason or another right now. Well, hate is a strong word, they're all pissed off with me... nearly all of them.

I'm finding it hard to care though. I am me, they knew what they signed up for and if they don't like it then fuck em, they don't have to even associate with me. Personally I'm gunna try and turn my life around over the next few weeks, and until I do so I don't even like myself, so you lot sure as hell don't need to.

I want to apologise to you all if I've upset any of you, but at the end of the day I never claimed to be nice... far from it actually, and nobody believed how much of a complete bastard I could be. Bet they do now.

Oh, and sorry this is fractured, but my thoughts aren't exactly clear right now, I'm tired and just recovered from my hangover not long ago. Plus my arm is going dead.

Anyway, lets lighten the mood a little, here's a dancing kitten for you.... only kidding. I think the only way to lighten the mood, other than with sarcasm which apparently hurts more than when I'm being bluntly honest... or honestly blunt... but the only other way to lighten things up is by removing me from the equation.

The depression has hit hard this past week, but I'll be back to my old self in no time I hope... Until then, keep your distance, unless you're willing to let me suck the life out of any convo we have :p

Byee.

Better than he was before. Better. Stronger. Faster....

Sooo... I know I haven't blogged for a while, but I rarely had my laptop, Katie stole it :p

Anyway, for all those who have missed my bitter rants, good news, I'm back with new things to complain about. Watch this space for witty headlines, sarcastic reviews and most importantly misanthropy.

For example, why do people always have to misspell 'you're' as 'your' ... it's not hard, if it means you are then it's you're, and it annoyed me most when I couldn't bring myself to accept that option on dragon age because it was misspelled.... probably my own issues more than the game developers, lets face it everyone makes mistakes and even the most seasoned proof-readers will slip up. Maybe they were all out sick that day, so they brought in janitor Penry to have a look.

I'm aware this is quite short, but I have things to do, so can't waste my entire life pandering to people who rarely get the in-jokes and references to outdated pop culture, and of course sometimes more obscure references.

Byee.

A compilation of thoughts...

I started this before I went away, so forgive some parts, I was a little preoccupied with packing and getting things ready and nerves etc.

You're Just a Beard with an Idiot Hanging off it.

From the right... or wrong.. perspective, honestly becomes cowardice, loyalty becomes narrow-mindedness, niceness becomes naivety, imagination becomes paranoia, and so on... I have always seen both sides, and always been pretty good at turning the positives into negatives, usually in an attempt to put myself down and show to others that I am not this selfless wonderful person they think I am, but am in fact a cruel heartless cowardly bastard who is in it for what he can get. I also turn the negatives into positives too, but that's to show others that they aren't vicious or evil. Hypocritical, I know, but I find it hard to believe that anything I've done has made a difference.

Instant Classics - an Oxymoron.

From the rat pack waaaay back in the forties and fifties, the unbelievable and unstopable power of the Beatles and the Stones in the swinging sixties, prog rock bands like Queen and Floyd in the psychedelic seventies to the power ballads of the enigmatic eighties, music hit its peak in the 20th century, so why is it that nobody has actually tried to revive any of this? I don't understand how people can say anything from this century is an instant classic, because they pale in comparison to the worst of the songs from those previously mentioned categories... As far as I can tell, the most popular songs these days have 5 words in them, on a constant loop, because when people are drunk they can't understand comprehensive lyrics or complex guitar riffs... Fine, when they're out this lot can be good, even I sing along to them at times, but why are they so popular when people are sober? I don't see the appeal other than to reminisce about the nights out, which is fine if it's background noise or just the first 5 seconds which is basically the full song just without the loop...

Auch Aye The News.

Scotland was great, Katie was great.... well, more than great, Katie is amazing, I miss her already, last night felt strange falling asleep without her.... Anyway, maybe I'll write a full blog on it when I feel like it... if I feel like it... but for now lets leave it as I love the girl and move on.

And Now for Something Completely Different.

Giulia is gone, apparently forever, although I don't doubt her stubbornness I am also aware that the old Giulia is still in there trying to apologise and break free from the Giulia I forced her to become through jealousy (mine, not hers) and if that Giulia wins and comes back then maybe I can forgive her. I know that all of you are pretty much screaming 'oh, God, not again' but this is my blog, you don't like it, don't read it. You don't like me, you don't have to talk to me, simple as... Anyway, the Giulia who hurt me recently was not the girl I knew and loved... just a phrase, although I did fall for her, so maybe not.... And the girl I knew was scared of becoming a vicious bitch, kept warning me she'd hurt me because she is the one who feels the guilt.

I'm not saying she's schizo, but that doesn't mean split personalities, just split mind. I'm saying we are all several people, I think I wrote a post on it earlier, and that the one who hurt me is a front, she needs to be cold and cruel to protect herself, the real her, the best friend that I miss and could do with right now really... But that's another story for another time... Basically, I want that Giulia back, but as long as she is with AJ she will always dislike what I have to say as a friend, and be able to pass it off in her mind as just me being jealous again. And now she's burned the bridge, or so she thinks, and is too stubborn to swim across and ask for help to rebuild it, so even if they do break up, when she needs a friend more than anything, she won't come to me... which is a shame, but it's her choice, her life, and I really hope it works for her.

And now, the End is Near...

So that's it... yes, I'm aware Giulia got a lot of time today, but it needed to be said because a lot of my friends don't understand that the girl she became in order to cut me from her life was not the same one who I knew for two years. And how are they meant to know that? They just got a peek in the window, saw her throw a few plates and assumed it was an abusive relationship, then went home, frustrated and threw a plate at me to try and knock some sense into me later... Yeah, pot/kettle is coming into it, being harsh about her to show how she was being harsh to me, it didn't work so well without the full story, and some of the pages can only be found in the dark.

I'll take no shit from her now, and that goes for everybody else too, from now on you don't like me or something I say you can live a long, happy and blissfully ignorant life without me.

I also know that all the juicy Scotland gossip is missing, and I might update you all, or I might just leave it as I enjoyed it and I love my girlfriend... not sure I'm head over heels, walk through fire in love just yet, but she's broken down a lot of barriers and she's surprisingly understanding and patient when it comes to the last few.

And I think that's about everything I needed to say, so byee.

Life with a tyrant...

Since I can only be vulnerable on here it seems, I've got more to add.

I hate that woman. I love her, but I hate so much about her. She hides her insane need for control under 'protecting me' and 'wanting the best for her boys' but at the end of the day she's the worst kind of control freak, a manipulative one. She makes sure everything she does or says can't be used against her, she makes it seem like you come to a conclusion when really she forces you into it, and this is what I've got to live with. I won't b able to move out because I don't have the motivation to finish uni and look for a job in this field, and even if I do it's another 3 years doing courses before I can get work, and then it's a few months to build up the wages and find a place, so she's keeping me here as long as she can.

And as long as I'm under her roof I'll have to live with it and accept it. Never going for anything that will make me happy, never taking a single fucking risk because she won't let me. And she wonders why the fuck I'm miserable and on antidepressants? But if you mention it to her she breaks down in tears, even the slightest hint that anything negative with me is her fault and she can't handle it.

This is why so many people around the world are on these meds, because they're stuck in a situation they can't escape from and can't do anything that makes them happy. I can get a bar job, quit uni, work full time, move out and find a place for now, but she won't allow that, she's not about to let her son throw his life away on a whim, he's too naive and fickle to know what he wants, 'for such an intelligent boy, you're very stupid at times' being one of her favourite lines to say to both me and Tony. But should anybody call her on it 'they don't have kids' or 'they didn't raise their kids' or 'look how their kids turned out' heaven forbid she should ever be wrong about anything.

To top it all off, my poor dad is stuck with her constantly, if he agrees he gets bollocked for it, if he disagrees he still gets bollocked for it. So he tends to remain neutral, he still gets shouted at by her, but she has nothing to say other than 'you didn't back me up' so it's not too bad. And when she starts to get upset because me or Tony get so sick we say something, he steps in to defend her, while at the same time you can tell it's just because he doesn't want to see her upset, understandable, but her feelings have been spared for God knows how long on so many matters that she thinks the world is as fragile as her. NEWSFLASH: Plenty of people, both living and dead, have had horrific lives, worse than what you went through, and plenty have had easier lives too, but that doesn't make you the centre of the universe.

Anyway, before this becomes vicious angry ranting... already kinda is, but if she invades my privacy by reading this anyway then it's her fault if it upsets her, because I honestly have been sick of it all since I was about 15/16, right around the time we suspect the depression started... there couldn't possibly be a link though, could there?

Oh, one more thing... And this goes for everybody, not just my mother - I'm not made of china, I'm not that fragile, stop treating me like everything around me needs to be bubble-wrapped before it comes anywhere near me! I'm a big boy, I can handle it. And if I can't, then so fuck, I'll learn.

Byee.

The sins of the mother shall be passed unto the son...

So I haven't written in a while, not because I have nothing to say, but because I'm censoring this again. Why? Because I suddenly care what people think? Because I feel it's something I can't say to anybody at all? No.

It's because I don't find it all that interesting. My feelings are confusing, my relationship is confusing and Giulia is confusing... although she always has been, so that's hardly new, and I'm rarely certain of my feelings for anything, so that isn't new either. That leaves the confusion of the relationship, which when I explain it aloud makes me feel like I'm a complete fucking bastard, and yet people keep reassuring me that I'm not doing anything wrong.

Dan says no risk, no reward, Meaghan says it's a phase and I've been through it before, it'll pass, Katie says if it's gunna happen there's nothing I can do to stop it and Matty says... well, I think it was something along the lines of give it a go, what have you go to lose, but there were a lot of jokes and more than a few video game references.

Still doesn't stop me feeling guilty for something I have no control over which would happen with or without me... well, not without me, but it'd happen the same way if I had done things differently. What with all of that, these frequent headaches that I refuse to take tablets for because I'm pretty sure they're caused by the depression, the erratic sleep patterns creeping in again and this continual feeling that I've forgotten something I'm not doing so great...

On the outside I'm the picture of health, and usually seem pretty happy, but inside I'm tearing myself apart and I can't seem to stop it. I'm even questioning if I was ever actually happy in my entire life... I must've been as a child, every child is happy... well, barring certain unforgivable circumstances... but right now, and for the past God knows how many years, I can't see myself ever being happy again.

I know what everybody will say and think, but I do honestly believe the one thing that will bring me closer to happiness is a job behind a bar. All my life, ever since I was tiny and visiting my mother at work, watching the drunks playing pool, people ducking as they threw the darts at the projector screen instead of the dartboard behind them, smelling that amazing combination of lager, spirits, bacon fries and smoke (which will never happen again, unfortunately) I have wanted to spend as much time as possible in pubs.

It's all I've ever wanted to do throughout life, even though my mother has constantly told me never to, and to aim higher for a better job, with better prospects and much better pay, which is why I've had an extremely hard time finding a career path to follow. And so, reluctantly, out of fear, out of a desire to achieve something more publicly acceptable and respected, I've put that on the backburner and fucked up every chance I've had of getting closer to anything else.

I think I've gone on too long, so I'll leave it there with my shattered dreams and fantasies that will never come to fruition, and instead I'll go down to uni... or probly better to send an e-mail, asking what I need to do for my deffered work, and finish that, move on with this course which, interesting though it can be sometimes, really doesn't make me want any of this life at all.

Byee.

From Mind To Screen.....

ERGH! Fucking emotional overload!

Ok, this is gunna be straight from my mind, it won't be funny, or clever, or thought provoking, but it will be genuine.

Katie isn't coming anymore, long story, maybe I'll tell people, maybe I won't, depends if I can be arsed. I understand completely, and don't mind at all, don't blame her for anything. But I can't deny it hit me pretty hard, mostly shock, a little disappointment, not in her, not in anything within either of our control either, but disappointment in a situation over which I have no control.

I had a convo with my parents, that drained me even more, an argument with the mother because she can't handle not controlling my life, and can't seem to see me as a young man and only sees her little baby, well I've said it before, I'm going to make mistakes and learn from them, I'm not going to learn from even half of her mistakes if I haven't been there myself. It's that simple.

Giulia's on my mind, vaguely though, interesting... Katie's on my mind, again, as always.... I want some crumpets, and need something to drink... I'm tired, cold-ish and cranky... my head hurts and I'm about ready to kill somebody.... there's the emotional overload, so I'm gunna eat and clear my head... Byee.

The times, they are a-changing....

That was interesting....

Just had a convo with Giulia, first time in forever, and yet we still click. The friendship is still strong, I never knew that could happen... All my previous friendships have died after not seeing each other for about a month... well, apart from the one with Dan, he disappeared for a while too and we're clicking again... hmm... maybe it is possible, as long as the trust isn't gone and you show each other you haven't changed all that much, then you can disappear for years and the catch up will be just as good as your previous convos were.

Anyway, to answer the question now on everybodys mind. Yes, I still have feelings for her, that much was obvious because my heart is still pounding so strong I can feel it in my stomach. But I honestly never once had the urge to breakdown and beg her to take me back. I have missed my friend, and now that she's back I'm starting to see that the friendship was always stronger than the relationship ever could've been.

It was nice to see her again, and I'm not going to do anything stupid, I'm with Katie and I really like her, so I guess all it took was time and space to get over her and now we can finally be civil once more.

P.S. her sex life was mentioned, and not even a pang of jealousy hit me at all. I'm proud of myself :)

P.P.S. Sorry about this being so... well, not graphic, but revealing. I have boundary issues, and sorry if I betrayed your trust by telling anybody this Giulia... I did try not to say too much about you and focus it more on me, but needed a little explanation.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday.....

So... Katie's coming on Thursday... Perfect weekend for it really, last pub quiz before that lot go away, empty-ish house and Lego HP on Friday, so she can prove she's better than me even though we're playing at the same time, and a BBQ/ night out on Saturday, with lots of time for relaxing and getting to know even more bout her in between... So why do I feel I'm gunna screw it up?

I suppose it's just nerves, and I have always been something of a perfectionist, but I can't help thinking there's something I've missed... Something hidden away and forgotten about, that won't surface until it's the perfect time for it to fuck everything up... Hell, maybe I'm just being paranoid.

Anyway, that wasn't what I came on here to talk about.

I have another appointment on Tuesday with the counsellor, and I'm not sure I have anything to say. The problems I had back then are still with me, but I've grown used to them, accept they're a part of my life and that I'll deal with them some day, if not soon then eventually. More importantly, I haven't been on here to rant in a while... well, I have, but not about anything that actually matters to me, more like tiny annoyances that I want to tell other people about in the hopes they'll see things my way, you can't go to a counsellor for those, it's a waste.

But I promised myself and a few others I'd give him another try, the thing that's holding me back most of all is that we don't seem to click. I don't feel any connection at all, and if you don't feel that then you will hide more than you'll tell to them, and that's just counter-productive. If I feel I need more work on things, then I'll request another counsellor, see if I click with them, and keep going til I find one I do. If not, then I guess Tuesday is my last session... 2 sessions and I'm cured? Bullshit. I'm not cured, I just have some fucking amazing people around me who have done everything that is in their power to do in order to get me back on track.

I'll see how I feel after Tuesdays session, and I'll let you all know.

Oh, and P.S. ... So what, I like the green.

When you care enough to send the very best...

I've been thinking again... 2am seems to do that to me... not good, but one problem at a time. I've been thinking about those things we never get to say to the people who have hurt us, or who have just faded from our lives. Things like 'I'm sorry', 'I forgive you' and mostly 'thank you'.

Strange, right? Well, there's a reason. We all make our own mistakes, with or without the help of others, and a lot of people have come and gone over the years, all of which has made me me. I've said it a million times, I'm at least partly the person I am today because of my experiences. And I like me.

So to all those people who have hurt me - I forgive you, I haven't made that mistake since and don't plan to in the future. Also, thank you, for making me a stronger person, because without you I wouldn't have needed to rethink things, and then I'd be naive, immature, and a waste of space, not unlike yourselves, but you are the sum of your experiences, and if brute strength and force are all you know then one day you'll find a problem you can't overcome with those and that will make you into a better person too. I'm just sorry I couldn't have helped accomplish that, for your sake as much as mine, but que sera, sera.

I was fuming earlier today when thinking about somebody I used to know, and still see on an infrequent basis... well, a group of them actually, but it's mainly one person. That was until I realised even he has contributed something good to my life, by making me see through his bullshit I'm now fairly good at reading peoples motives and a little more suspicious. Of course, there's a fine line between that and paranoia, but I haven't completely crossed it yet, so it's a good thing.

Another example is that he has given me something to write about here, which I enjoy doing. A good friend once told me that they believe there are no bad people, simply bad choices. And now I finally believe it, because even the worst humanity has to offer has managed, inadvertently and completely unintentionally I'm sure, to contribute towards something good in somebody else's' life.

And so, I can't hold a grudge. And I'm currently on antidepressants. Not the best endorsement to be selling this whole thing, borderline religious, which I realise and hate, but I believe it, and it works for me.

So to everybody reading this, since I assume nobody random just reads my innermost thoughts on a whim, although it is possible... anyway, to all of you who I know or have known, thank you for making me who I am right now, I am honestly pretty content with it.

Alex DeLarge could've helped me stay warm in winter...

Lying awake with everything buzzing around my head made me realise why I started writing this blog.

When I felt like I couldn't turn to anybody specific, I would turn to myself and tell the world.

So I'm in that situation once more. I have some very confusing feelings about Katie, and I care about her a lot, but a few weeks into a relationship means that I don't love her yet, and I can't say for certain that I ever will, which in itself is bugging me, because she deserves and could do so much better than me, but I choose not to question her insanity, she wants me for some reason, poor lass :p

Anyway, I can talk about that with anybody, the real problem is I'm still in love with Giulia... it hasn't changed really, except that I'm seeing clearly without her that it wouldn't work and if she wanted me back I'd like to think I've matured enough to actually consider saying no, in a polite way, of course, even if I wouldn't actually say no.

I can't talk about that with anybody, because my mates... sorry about this, I'm not having a go, belittling your opinions or denying the truth in your arguments... but they don't believe that what I felt for Giulia existed at all. Not their fault, maybe they are right and I'm just too stubborn and sensitive to see it, who knows? But as long as I know that they're thinking 'Oh, God, not this again..' or 'Yeah, and I'm the King of Spain' I won't feel completely comfortable discussing it with them.

Personally, I don't think I judge, it takes me a while usually to form an opinion on anything, but I am a hypocrite and blind to my flaws in that sense, so I probably do judge a lot. In which case I'm sure there are many many things they keep from me, not because they don't trust me or they don't want to talk about it with me, but because they don't feel comfortable discussing it with somebody they feel has already made their mind up about it all.

.... Okay, that seemed so self righteous, and I hate it, but it's the best I can do at half 2, so I'm sorry for the accusatory tone and arrogant air. Honestly, so sorry about that, and I'll work on it. I've always hated my arrogance, but it's the only way I've ever been able to build up my confidence enough to talk to people, now that I can talk to anybody I need to lose it, but old habits die hard and all that...

Right, so to recap, I am worried that I will never feel the way I felt about Giulia for anyone else... And that may be a good thing. I've been thinking a lot lately about those things I said I'd like to try with her... and not going into details here, thank God I can hear you shout... But a lot of those... just seem wrong with Katie, and wrong with anybody else when I think about it. Fantasies are probably better in the imagination, and maybe I'll live out one or two with Katie or any future partners, but if not I don't feel any loss.

Perhaps a lot of what I felt for her was lust... but, in all honesty, I'd have been perfectly happy with a strictly platonic relationship... even if I didn't show it sometimes... just all those things people label as cheesy instead of romantic, but when you feel that way you stop caring what they call it. Things like holding her close until she falls asleep, watching her write something important in silence so she doesn't get distracted, being there when she needs you, and when she doesn't, teaching her to play pool, sitting watching a bad movie just for an excuse to cuddle... but the problem is I got 1 of those, possibly 2, but not the full experience of either, so many say that I cannot know I'd have felt that way when doing it. I agree, but I keep an open mind. Don't know for sure about anything until you try it.

I'll end it there, because there is nothing profound going to come out of this, and I'm not even sure there was a point to it, just mindless ranting for the sake of it.. but if it was heading anywhere important I'm sure I'll bring it up again eventually. Byee.

Riddle me this... What means everything to you, and nothing to anybody else?

I've decided to talk about wordplay here... because it's a topic that has always fascinated me, and seeing as I don't know any language yet other than English, I have no choice but to talk about that. I'm not aware of any other languages that have so many different meanings, spelling and interpretations of the same words, so seems the perfect place to start.

Four candles. Two words that mean nothing by themselves, but when said aloud and fast enough can lead to confusion. A hero of mine wrote that sketch, along with a million others using homophones, Freudian slips and every literary technique in the book, even going so far as to create some of his own.

Oh, and that's not all words can do. Poetry, somebody creating images and emotions with a few stanzas alone. Amazing.

I have always found that words have a hidden power of their own, they can wound, they can scar, bring down countries, empires, inspire revolutions, cause armies to fight to their death for you. Charisma is what caused the atrocities of the second world war, not guns and soldiers, they were merely tools.

But the true beauty of words for me lies in riddles. How somebody can say one thing and mean another, deliberately deceive, it's so perfect, illusion in its purest form.

I won't bother with St. Ives, everybody knows that. I could go into the 4 guys on a boat who each catch a fish and only end up with 3, but I tell it too often. Instead, here's one:

A cougar, a mountain lion, a puma and a panther are shot dead, but the hunter only carries back one body. Why?

P.S. sorry this isn't as smooth as my other blogs, I am slightly confused right now, my head hurts, I'm constantly exhausted with no reason as to why other than depression, which has no reason at all to be hitting so hard right now, and to top it all I can't even remember anything I've done for the past week. Oh.. and, answers are at the bottom of this, written in black so you'll have to highlight them. And this is green to symbolise the Riddler, not keeping it, sorry to disappoint those of you who thought I'd had a breakdown and decided to make this readable.

Answers: Your mind means everything. And they are all names for the same animal.

Like a phoenix, rising from the ashes to soar majestically....

Meaghan doesn't like me to be happy. When I'm happy, my writing suffers, I have less inspiration, less of a need to write in my blog. And she's right, but why is that?

Why does depression inspire greatness? Looking at my friends I can see several cases where misery has helped their creativity, where happiness stunted it. And it takes less than 2 mins to find out that the literary world is filled with great authors and poets who wrote through tragedy.. What is it about sadness that brings out these gifts?

Are we trying to overcome our grief in a way society deems okay, are we trying to put down in words how we feel at that particular moment so as to never forget it and to learn and grow from it, or are we merely trying to escape into our own worlds where we can find true happiness? Personally, it seems a combination of all of those, and none of those.

And it's not just literature, but art, film, even photography.

Disaster may inspire creativity for many reasons, barely half of which we will ever know or understand, and as for the complexities of the human mind when dealing with things like this I won't even try to comprehend.

All I know is that while this happens, I will enjoy the irony of seeing the best humanity has to offer contrasted by the fact it has risen from the worst humanity has to offer.

A town called hypocrisy....

I'm torn.. as always... between what I promised and what I really want to talk about...

I promised a blog on patriotism, and I'm going to get slated for it. I want to talk about Katie, but I haven't got anything to say, it just happens and makes me feel happy. Also, watching Cougar Town and the whole 'that's what she said' came up... that joke rules, and is such a universal guy thing, and cannot be used by girls... Partly because they're more mature, but mostly because it's not their thing :p

Anyway, sidetrack over, I'll talk more about things with Katie Kat when there's more to report, relationships that are only 3 days in don't make for good reading or writing to anybody who isn't involved personally. I'll talk about writing later too, specifically mine, which sucks, but handwritten, so nobody else has seen it :)

But I made a promise, and so here is the patriotic blog... or not so patriotic, depending on your particular viewpoint.

Something I realised while complaining about the world cup, is how hypocritical everybody becomes about this country. The St. Georges' cross is flown from every other house, people walk around with their faces and shirts painted red and white, and we argue with anybody who claims it offends them. I have no problems with that at all. The issue I take is larger.

Where is this pride every other time of every other year? Why is it that it takes 4 years before we show this kind of commitment to our country? We fly the flag any other time, we get called racist, we fly it now, we get called racist, but if we're willing to fight for it over football, why shouldn't we fight for it other times, when there is more reason, for example St. Georges' Day... how many of you have been out and celebrated that? Or even shown you know about it? Yet mention Paddys' and suddenly everybody is in an uproar if they can't make it out.

Civil disobedience, it's part of our history, women owe their votes to it, workers owe their unions to it, and especially in the North East which is heavily soaked throughout its history with fighting for what we believe in. Sunderland fought alongside Scotland against England, we fought against this country because we disagreed with what was going on. People have been outraged by the election, but who has actually done anything about it? What happened to this once great and outspoken country? We had some of the original martyrs for Christs' sake!

This is why I consider myself more Scottish than English, the fire is still alight in my blood, and I am ready to face whatever is thrown at me if I believe in something, because I will not back down just because it's inconvenient. You lot don't want to fly the flag all year every year, but you'll do it when everybody else is? Cowards, the lot of you. Do it all year every year, somebody complains then argue your point, the point you use now, because if it's valid it'll stand up to opposition. Simples.

P.S. I should add a disclaimer should anybody decide to do something stupid after reading this, I did not tell you to, I may have encouraged it, but all I really want and the reason I wrote this is so people will stop with the hypocrisy.

A prrrrrrrrrrrrr-fect storm...

Been a while since I updated and nobody replies to these things anyway :p

I apologise Katie if you'd rather this were private, say the word and this is gone into the ether, but I have boundary issues n can never tell what's too far... plus I'm hungover n tired, not a great combo.

For those who don't know already, get off my blog you fairweather readers. But seriously, she is amazing, in fact if I'd known her at any other time in my life I would've chased her to the ends of the Earth... then watched as she proved the world was flat by jumping off rather than talk to me :p

The fact of the matter is, and I'v told her this already so it's no great revelation to her, I have boundary issues I'm not a completely oblivious twat like some people I know... I swear they seem to know less and less every time, it's like school going backwards for them... anyway, off topic here... like I was saying, I am finding it hard to be sure if I like her for her or if she's just a rebound, which she never should be.

We've talked about it, I've told her it's a very bad idea to fall for me, I don't know what I want at the best of times, and right now my head's a mess so it's impossible for anybody to know what I want... we came to the conclusion that if it happens it happens, but I still feel immensely guilty if I end up stringing her along then breaking her heart...

Anyway, I'm writing this blog because I'm attempting to empty my mind in order to try something advised to me by a good friend... a great friend, but that's a moot point... but it's not working. I feel like I'm falling for this grril (in-joke, sorry) but am I falling for her, or for what I see her as?

I think I've just decided... Katie Kat, you are an incredible lass, and you deserve so much better than a guy who can't make his mind up if he likes you or not, and as hard as it is for me to say maybe you should ... WE should... take steps to make sure you don't fall for me until I know what you really mean to me... why'd you have to do this to me? :p I just wanted to have some fun, enjoy my youth, sleep around, and you had to be so bloody perfect that I couldn't help falling for you, didn't you? :)

I'll let you all know what I decide, as if you care, but I will be telling her before any of you, it's only right.

Que sera, sera.

Your feedback could win you absolutely fuck all, but do it anyway....

Honestly hadn't meant to mention anything bout Giulia again really... but had a couple of... interesting opinions. And that makes me curious.

So here it is, don't worry, I'm not gunna shoot you down, get upset or anything like that, I want 100% honesty to the point of brutality if you have to. What are your opinions of what happened between us?

How many of you think I'm too naive to have felt anything real for her? Who thinks that long distance and online is just for 13 year olds who don't know any better? And who actually thinks I fell for her, got crushed and will never love again?

Truth be told, there's no way to ask any of that without sounding pathetic, patronising and more than a little annoyed, but I genuinely want to know the opinions of you lot, even if I don't agree with parts of them.

Dan, Bri, you've given yours, thanks, and I honestly don't want to have a go or seem like a stubborn idiot, so I'm not going to argue, I appreciate your candour and I have honestly thought a lot about what you both said and there are parts I agree with and parts I disagree with, but that's my prerogative.

So come on, all of you who read this and haven't offered any opinions yet, I want to know and if you don't have the balls to tell me what you really think then why the hell are you even reading this? Just seems a little hypocritical to read about my honest and sometimes blunt opinions when you offer nothing in return, so here's your chance.

I look forward to the masses of emails I won't get in response to this :p

Fuck you very much....

I love my family, I do, but there's only so much a guy can take before he's ready to go on a killing spree.

Today it was my brother... usually I'm on his side, but today he pushed it waaaay too far. I've not had a great day today in general, and so my temper was already a little raw, but thankfully I held it in and didn't hit him, didn't shout and scream in the middle of the town centre.

I'd been sent, once again, to buy the presents and cards for dads birthday. Why every special occasion, birthday, anniversary, Christmas, etc. I'm the one stuck getting it all is beyond me. I had my mothers xmas gift in since July, and I've had dads birthday prezzie in for the past month n a bit. So why am I the one sent to get him things for everybody else to give to him? Happens every time, Christmas is worst, I have the stuff in looooong before it comes along, and yet mam still waits til the last week to say 'could you get this for your nanna, I can't make it to the town without her' dad still waits til 2 weeks before the day to say 'can you get your mams card for me?' and Tony will insist on claiming to be working and so busy he can't get me a present, but sends me down to buy my own, pay for it with my money which he calims he'll pay me back, but forgts to mention he won't until September.

Anyway, today he claimed to have work to get out of the house without mam asking what he's up to, where he's going, and telling him to go do this n that for her, so he asked me to get dad some t-shirts from primark (not even his idea) and then borrowed the money from me to get them himself. He got to the town shortly before I was leaving, and when I told him to pick out a couple of t-shirts he went in a huff claiming I should've done that already and that he's not going to do anything.

This led to an argument about how he's such a selfish arrogant little prick, how he begged me to buy splinter cell conviction so we could play the co-op, then proceeded to play it with his mates while I was in the room. Now I'v been told I must buy him Red Dead Redemption because he doesn't have the money right now and needs the game this minute, even though it's sold out everywhere. He says he'll pay me back, the last time he did that he turned around half an hour later and asked for the money back for something else. He takes money from me constantly, and pays me back, then borrows it again.. And for what? He spends his wages after a week of having them, so for 3 weeks I have to fucking keep him using my student loan which is rapidly running out.

Not to mention whenever we spend any kind of time together as brothers he insists it's on his time and his terms, I'm kicked out the room if any of his mates suddenly is free to come up, and then he has the cheek to tell me he hates staying in and playing the xbox all the time. When I asked him the last time he had invited me out anywhere, Rileys, a pub, or just out for the hell of it, he couldn't say, and he has never once paid for any of those times when we have gone out to do something.

So to him I'm a fucking butler. I buy him things, pay for his days out, give him money when he asks and I'm here as a form of entertainment whenever he is bored and has nobody else. And what's more, I don't even get paid for this, I just get the privilege of serving him... that's not even a butler, that's slavery.

I have been nothing but selfless with him and most others, I give and give and give, and what have I gotten in return? A broken heart from a girl who needed an introduction to relationships and used me as such, sore legs from a mother who sends me to do every little thing that she could possibly think of coz she's too lazy to get up n do it herself, a bank balance that will soon be in the minus numbers due to paying for everything for everybody, a brother who treats me like his own personal blockbusters, oh, and he lends my dvds and our games out and never gets them back. I'm sure there are a lot of other things I've gotten for being fairly selfless, but it's not in my nature to change, so I will continue to be taken advantage of by people who are supposed to care.

Well, to all of you out there who have done so in the past, will in the future, or are currently doing so now, hope you're happy, I'm gunna die young, miserable and it's probably safe to say completely overwhelmed by debt.