I am very tired, but can't sleep, so forgive the occasional spelling and grammar issues, but I've never cared much about them on here.
I'm not totally inspired to write, mostly doing this out of boredom, so it'll be a random collection of my thoughts and feelings, which means yes, you can stop reading now, there's no point continuing from here.
As always, I feel pretty apathetic. Although there's a little part of me that has always felt self-destructive, it seems to wax and wan recently. I feel lost, genuinely, I don't understand why I'm still here. I'm finding it harder and harder to come up with reasons as to why I exist. I've helped a lot of people, but they could probably do that themselves, I just offer a non-judgemental objective view of their situations, and half the time I ask them what they think is the right thing to do, it's usually the best option for all concerned... But who really needs that? I mean, you could ask yourself that, or anybody at all you tell it to would ask what you think is best. So why am I different? Why do I matter at all?
I give barely passable advice that is sometimes taken, often forgotten even after it's been taken, I ramble constantly but never seem to do anything about it, and ultimately, if I died tomorrow my life could be summed up in 3 words. Big. Fucking. Mistake.
A lot of people have said to me over the years 'you know exactly what to say, you always know what I'm thinking, or how I'm feeling.' I like to say it's just natural empathy, I'm gifted, but most of the time I know what they're going through emotionally because I've been there in similar situations. The advice I give is what I know I should've done, and it's the same advice any outsider would give. Subjectivity clouds the mind, so asking complete strangers who have no emotional investment in either possibility is usually a good thing. Especially since you'll put a spin on it to make the choice you want seem the best, that'd at least show you which option you'd rather go for if nothing else.
I'm ranting again, probly repeated myself a few million times too, I tend to do that a lot when I'm tired and not focused completely on what I'm saying. Hell, even when I am focused I repeat myself a lot.
I guess I'm just nervous about counselling, it'll pass. This has taken my mind off it a little, so I guess that's good.
Oh, and for most of you who read this... I got asked no questions, not even 'what do you honestly think of me?' or a stupid one like 'what's your fav flower?'
Btw, the answer to the latter is a single black wooden rose that I'd carve and paint myself. Like anyone cares... why do people read this again? .... I mean, I know Meaghan reads it to distract her from stuff, Katie reads it coz she feels obliged to, Jim reads it occasionally to avoid having to listen to it a few times from me, Giulia reads it coz we don't speak as often so she likes to know what's going on in my life... weird, but she'll get past it soon enough and go back to ignoring me like the rest of the world... hopefully... for her sake...
And now I feel pathetic, and lonely, self-pitying, useless and a complete dick. Even though I hate people, both love myself and loathe a lot of myself too, and have a small part of me believing that I actually do make a difference. I am a walking contradiction.
