When you care enough to send the very best...

I've been thinking again... 2am seems to do that to me... not good, but one problem at a time. I've been thinking about those things we never get to say to the people who have hurt us, or who have just faded from our lives. Things like 'I'm sorry', 'I forgive you' and mostly 'thank you'.

Strange, right? Well, there's a reason. We all make our own mistakes, with or without the help of others, and a lot of people have come and gone over the years, all of which has made me me. I've said it a million times, I'm at least partly the person I am today because of my experiences. And I like me.

So to all those people who have hurt me - I forgive you, I haven't made that mistake since and don't plan to in the future. Also, thank you, for making me a stronger person, because without you I wouldn't have needed to rethink things, and then I'd be naive, immature, and a waste of space, not unlike yourselves, but you are the sum of your experiences, and if brute strength and force are all you know then one day you'll find a problem you can't overcome with those and that will make you into a better person too. I'm just sorry I couldn't have helped accomplish that, for your sake as much as mine, but que sera, sera.

I was fuming earlier today when thinking about somebody I used to know, and still see on an infrequent basis... well, a group of them actually, but it's mainly one person. That was until I realised even he has contributed something good to my life, by making me see through his bullshit I'm now fairly good at reading peoples motives and a little more suspicious. Of course, there's a fine line between that and paranoia, but I haven't completely crossed it yet, so it's a good thing.

Another example is that he has given me something to write about here, which I enjoy doing. A good friend once told me that they believe there are no bad people, simply bad choices. And now I finally believe it, because even the worst humanity has to offer has managed, inadvertently and completely unintentionally I'm sure, to contribute towards something good in somebody else's' life.

And so, I can't hold a grudge. And I'm currently on antidepressants. Not the best endorsement to be selling this whole thing, borderline religious, which I realise and hate, but I believe it, and it works for me.

So to everybody reading this, since I assume nobody random just reads my innermost thoughts on a whim, although it is possible... anyway, to all of you who I know or have known, thank you for making me who I am right now, I am honestly pretty content with it.

Alex DeLarge could've helped me stay warm in winter...

Lying awake with everything buzzing around my head made me realise why I started writing this blog.

When I felt like I couldn't turn to anybody specific, I would turn to myself and tell the world.

So I'm in that situation once more. I have some very confusing feelings about Katie, and I care about her a lot, but a few weeks into a relationship means that I don't love her yet, and I can't say for certain that I ever will, which in itself is bugging me, because she deserves and could do so much better than me, but I choose not to question her insanity, she wants me for some reason, poor lass :p

Anyway, I can talk about that with anybody, the real problem is I'm still in love with Giulia... it hasn't changed really, except that I'm seeing clearly without her that it wouldn't work and if she wanted me back I'd like to think I've matured enough to actually consider saying no, in a polite way, of course, even if I wouldn't actually say no.

I can't talk about that with anybody, because my mates... sorry about this, I'm not having a go, belittling your opinions or denying the truth in your arguments... but they don't believe that what I felt for Giulia existed at all. Not their fault, maybe they are right and I'm just too stubborn and sensitive to see it, who knows? But as long as I know that they're thinking 'Oh, God, not this again..' or 'Yeah, and I'm the King of Spain' I won't feel completely comfortable discussing it with them.

Personally, I don't think I judge, it takes me a while usually to form an opinion on anything, but I am a hypocrite and blind to my flaws in that sense, so I probably do judge a lot. In which case I'm sure there are many many things they keep from me, not because they don't trust me or they don't want to talk about it with me, but because they don't feel comfortable discussing it with somebody they feel has already made their mind up about it all.

.... Okay, that seemed so self righteous, and I hate it, but it's the best I can do at half 2, so I'm sorry for the accusatory tone and arrogant air. Honestly, so sorry about that, and I'll work on it. I've always hated my arrogance, but it's the only way I've ever been able to build up my confidence enough to talk to people, now that I can talk to anybody I need to lose it, but old habits die hard and all that...

Right, so to recap, I am worried that I will never feel the way I felt about Giulia for anyone else... And that may be a good thing. I've been thinking a lot lately about those things I said I'd like to try with her... and not going into details here, thank God I can hear you shout... But a lot of those... just seem wrong with Katie, and wrong with anybody else when I think about it. Fantasies are probably better in the imagination, and maybe I'll live out one or two with Katie or any future partners, but if not I don't feel any loss.

Perhaps a lot of what I felt for her was lust... but, in all honesty, I'd have been perfectly happy with a strictly platonic relationship... even if I didn't show it sometimes... just all those things people label as cheesy instead of romantic, but when you feel that way you stop caring what they call it. Things like holding her close until she falls asleep, watching her write something important in silence so she doesn't get distracted, being there when she needs you, and when she doesn't, teaching her to play pool, sitting watching a bad movie just for an excuse to cuddle... but the problem is I got 1 of those, possibly 2, but not the full experience of either, so many say that I cannot know I'd have felt that way when doing it. I agree, but I keep an open mind. Don't know for sure about anything until you try it.

I'll end it there, because there is nothing profound going to come out of this, and I'm not even sure there was a point to it, just mindless ranting for the sake of it.. but if it was heading anywhere important I'm sure I'll bring it up again eventually. Byee.

Riddle me this... What means everything to you, and nothing to anybody else?

I've decided to talk about wordplay here... because it's a topic that has always fascinated me, and seeing as I don't know any language yet other than English, I have no choice but to talk about that. I'm not aware of any other languages that have so many different meanings, spelling and interpretations of the same words, so seems the perfect place to start.

Four candles. Two words that mean nothing by themselves, but when said aloud and fast enough can lead to confusion. A hero of mine wrote that sketch, along with a million others using homophones, Freudian slips and every literary technique in the book, even going so far as to create some of his own.

Oh, and that's not all words can do. Poetry, somebody creating images and emotions with a few stanzas alone. Amazing.

I have always found that words have a hidden power of their own, they can wound, they can scar, bring down countries, empires, inspire revolutions, cause armies to fight to their death for you. Charisma is what caused the atrocities of the second world war, not guns and soldiers, they were merely tools.

But the true beauty of words for me lies in riddles. How somebody can say one thing and mean another, deliberately deceive, it's so perfect, illusion in its purest form.

I won't bother with St. Ives, everybody knows that. I could go into the 4 guys on a boat who each catch a fish and only end up with 3, but I tell it too often. Instead, here's one:

A cougar, a mountain lion, a puma and a panther are shot dead, but the hunter only carries back one body. Why?

P.S. sorry this isn't as smooth as my other blogs, I am slightly confused right now, my head hurts, I'm constantly exhausted with no reason as to why other than depression, which has no reason at all to be hitting so hard right now, and to top it all I can't even remember anything I've done for the past week. Oh.. and, answers are at the bottom of this, written in black so you'll have to highlight them. And this is green to symbolise the Riddler, not keeping it, sorry to disappoint those of you who thought I'd had a breakdown and decided to make this readable.

Answers: Your mind means everything. And they are all names for the same animal.