Fuck you very much....

I love my family, I do, but there's only so much a guy can take before he's ready to go on a killing spree.

Today it was my brother... usually I'm on his side, but today he pushed it waaaay too far. I've not had a great day today in general, and so my temper was already a little raw, but thankfully I held it in and didn't hit him, didn't shout and scream in the middle of the town centre.

I'd been sent, once again, to buy the presents and cards for dads birthday. Why every special occasion, birthday, anniversary, Christmas, etc. I'm the one stuck getting it all is beyond me. I had my mothers xmas gift in since July, and I've had dads birthday prezzie in for the past month n a bit. So why am I the one sent to get him things for everybody else to give to him? Happens every time, Christmas is worst, I have the stuff in looooong before it comes along, and yet mam still waits til the last week to say 'could you get this for your nanna, I can't make it to the town without her' dad still waits til 2 weeks before the day to say 'can you get your mams card for me?' and Tony will insist on claiming to be working and so busy he can't get me a present, but sends me down to buy my own, pay for it with my money which he calims he'll pay me back, but forgts to mention he won't until September.

Anyway, today he claimed to have work to get out of the house without mam asking what he's up to, where he's going, and telling him to go do this n that for her, so he asked me to get dad some t-shirts from primark (not even his idea) and then borrowed the money from me to get them himself. He got to the town shortly before I was leaving, and when I told him to pick out a couple of t-shirts he went in a huff claiming I should've done that already and that he's not going to do anything.

This led to an argument about how he's such a selfish arrogant little prick, how he begged me to buy splinter cell conviction so we could play the co-op, then proceeded to play it with his mates while I was in the room. Now I'v been told I must buy him Red Dead Redemption because he doesn't have the money right now and needs the game this minute, even though it's sold out everywhere. He says he'll pay me back, the last time he did that he turned around half an hour later and asked for the money back for something else. He takes money from me constantly, and pays me back, then borrows it again.. And for what? He spends his wages after a week of having them, so for 3 weeks I have to fucking keep him using my student loan which is rapidly running out.

Not to mention whenever we spend any kind of time together as brothers he insists it's on his time and his terms, I'm kicked out the room if any of his mates suddenly is free to come up, and then he has the cheek to tell me he hates staying in and playing the xbox all the time. When I asked him the last time he had invited me out anywhere, Rileys, a pub, or just out for the hell of it, he couldn't say, and he has never once paid for any of those times when we have gone out to do something.

So to him I'm a fucking butler. I buy him things, pay for his days out, give him money when he asks and I'm here as a form of entertainment whenever he is bored and has nobody else. And what's more, I don't even get paid for this, I just get the privilege of serving him... that's not even a butler, that's slavery.

I have been nothing but selfless with him and most others, I give and give and give, and what have I gotten in return? A broken heart from a girl who needed an introduction to relationships and used me as such, sore legs from a mother who sends me to do every little thing that she could possibly think of coz she's too lazy to get up n do it herself, a bank balance that will soon be in the minus numbers due to paying for everything for everybody, a brother who treats me like his own personal blockbusters, oh, and he lends my dvds and our games out and never gets them back. I'm sure there are a lot of other things I've gotten for being fairly selfless, but it's not in my nature to change, so I will continue to be taken advantage of by people who are supposed to care.

Well, to all of you out there who have done so in the past, will in the future, or are currently doing so now, hope you're happy, I'm gunna die young, miserable and it's probably safe to say completely overwhelmed by debt.

The fallen are the virtuous among us....

So sorry if I ever resisted,

I never had a doubt you ever existed,

I only have a problem when people insist on

Taking their hate, placing it on your name...

- Franz Ferdinand, The Fallen

I like this quote, because it sums up how I feel about religion, in particular Christianity. I have no problem with those who delude themselves into believing a book written 700 years after the events by people who were apparently there... ok, so I have a little problem with them, but that's perfectly alright, I'm entitled to my opinion. At least, I am, as long as I'm not talking to anybody opinionated and considers themselves extremely religious, because then if I disagree I must surely be shot.

There are many decent Christians, as with all people, races, creeds, ages, etc. The few vastly outweigh the many. It is a shame, and to any true religious people reading this, I'm sorry, and I appreciate that you have your opinion, and respect that, as you do with me.

However, when people kill in the name of God, torture for Jesus, etc. that is where I have a major problem. How can you claim to do anything for the greater good, then turn around and act against everything you claim to believe in and still state that you're doing it for those reasons. The contradiction that runs through every religion is just mindblowing, but still people choose to act against it in order to 'protect' it. It annoys me so much.

'Thou shalt not kill' is thrown around a lot when talking about abortion, which medicine, science and each religion still can't decide on an official time where a foetus becomes a life, but when it comes to war it can be justified?

All life is sacred to God, and he gave us free will to choose for ourselves what to believe, but if we don't believe in him and actively try to demonstrate that we are usually taken care of by an extremist. How can this go on? And how come, even though it has been pointed out a million times before, nobody takes any notice? I mean, if you argue with somebody who believes they are in the right and they believe in God, every point you put across is thrown aside as 'God tests people'.

At what point does an argument need only one line to win?

Anyway, this is all pointless... apart from showing people who don't really know me where I stand on abortion (I'm for it) and religion (I understand why people believe, but I personally don't)

Byee.

I don't need you to worry for me, 'cause I'm alright...

I'm at a loss as to what to write. My head hurts, I'm tired and my cheeks are aching from the painted smile. I feel like I'm gunna throw up. Oh, and my feet are numb, but that has nothing to do with the depression and everything to do with the big fat heavy dog lying on them.

I'm having a bad day, and the wonderful thing about depression is that nothing even needs to set it off. It just happens. And when it does, even smiling naturally feels forced and faux.

I still think about her. Every second, of ever minute, of every hour, of every day. The only clean and ironed shirt I had the other day was a gift from her. I miss my love, but I also miss my friend. I assume this is what set today off. Even though I'm a lot more active, and my friends have put up with a lot of shit over the past few weeks/ months about this, they're still here, still trying to cheer me up, still being fucking amazing, and yet when times like this come along it's not enough.

I'll be fine tomorrow though.. hopefully. The urge to go bungee-ing without a cord is already fading, and the urge to cry is becoming more due to hayfever than emotion. Self-loathing is still here, but that was a pre-existing condition, simply heightened by the events.

Anyway, I wanted to write an entry for this, dunno why. Also, been wondering for a while how the hell people aren't sick of me by now?

And now lets leave it with the great Billy Joel:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85sIJcC8zbs