A compilation of thoughts...

I started this before I went away, so forgive some parts, I was a little preoccupied with packing and getting things ready and nerves etc.

You're Just a Beard with an Idiot Hanging off it.

From the right... or wrong.. perspective, honestly becomes cowardice, loyalty becomes narrow-mindedness, niceness becomes naivety, imagination becomes paranoia, and so on... I have always seen both sides, and always been pretty good at turning the positives into negatives, usually in an attempt to put myself down and show to others that I am not this selfless wonderful person they think I am, but am in fact a cruel heartless cowardly bastard who is in it for what he can get. I also turn the negatives into positives too, but that's to show others that they aren't vicious or evil. Hypocritical, I know, but I find it hard to believe that anything I've done has made a difference.

Instant Classics - an Oxymoron.

From the rat pack waaaay back in the forties and fifties, the unbelievable and unstopable power of the Beatles and the Stones in the swinging sixties, prog rock bands like Queen and Floyd in the psychedelic seventies to the power ballads of the enigmatic eighties, music hit its peak in the 20th century, so why is it that nobody has actually tried to revive any of this? I don't understand how people can say anything from this century is an instant classic, because they pale in comparison to the worst of the songs from those previously mentioned categories... As far as I can tell, the most popular songs these days have 5 words in them, on a constant loop, because when people are drunk they can't understand comprehensive lyrics or complex guitar riffs... Fine, when they're out this lot can be good, even I sing along to them at times, but why are they so popular when people are sober? I don't see the appeal other than to reminisce about the nights out, which is fine if it's background noise or just the first 5 seconds which is basically the full song just without the loop...

Auch Aye The News.

Scotland was great, Katie was great.... well, more than great, Katie is amazing, I miss her already, last night felt strange falling asleep without her.... Anyway, maybe I'll write a full blog on it when I feel like it... if I feel like it... but for now lets leave it as I love the girl and move on.

And Now for Something Completely Different.

Giulia is gone, apparently forever, although I don't doubt her stubbornness I am also aware that the old Giulia is still in there trying to apologise and break free from the Giulia I forced her to become through jealousy (mine, not hers) and if that Giulia wins and comes back then maybe I can forgive her. I know that all of you are pretty much screaming 'oh, God, not again' but this is my blog, you don't like it, don't read it. You don't like me, you don't have to talk to me, simple as... Anyway, the Giulia who hurt me recently was not the girl I knew and loved... just a phrase, although I did fall for her, so maybe not.... And the girl I knew was scared of becoming a vicious bitch, kept warning me she'd hurt me because she is the one who feels the guilt.

I'm not saying she's schizo, but that doesn't mean split personalities, just split mind. I'm saying we are all several people, I think I wrote a post on it earlier, and that the one who hurt me is a front, she needs to be cold and cruel to protect herself, the real her, the best friend that I miss and could do with right now really... But that's another story for another time... Basically, I want that Giulia back, but as long as she is with AJ she will always dislike what I have to say as a friend, and be able to pass it off in her mind as just me being jealous again. And now she's burned the bridge, or so she thinks, and is too stubborn to swim across and ask for help to rebuild it, so even if they do break up, when she needs a friend more than anything, she won't come to me... which is a shame, but it's her choice, her life, and I really hope it works for her.

And now, the End is Near...

So that's it... yes, I'm aware Giulia got a lot of time today, but it needed to be said because a lot of my friends don't understand that the girl she became in order to cut me from her life was not the same one who I knew for two years. And how are they meant to know that? They just got a peek in the window, saw her throw a few plates and assumed it was an abusive relationship, then went home, frustrated and threw a plate at me to try and knock some sense into me later... Yeah, pot/kettle is coming into it, being harsh about her to show how she was being harsh to me, it didn't work so well without the full story, and some of the pages can only be found in the dark.

I'll take no shit from her now, and that goes for everybody else too, from now on you don't like me or something I say you can live a long, happy and blissfully ignorant life without me.

I also know that all the juicy Scotland gossip is missing, and I might update you all, or I might just leave it as I enjoyed it and I love my girlfriend... not sure I'm head over heels, walk through fire in love just yet, but she's broken down a lot of barriers and she's surprisingly understanding and patient when it comes to the last few.

And I think that's about everything I needed to say, so byee.

Life with a tyrant...

Since I can only be vulnerable on here it seems, I've got more to add.

I hate that woman. I love her, but I hate so much about her. She hides her insane need for control under 'protecting me' and 'wanting the best for her boys' but at the end of the day she's the worst kind of control freak, a manipulative one. She makes sure everything she does or says can't be used against her, she makes it seem like you come to a conclusion when really she forces you into it, and this is what I've got to live with. I won't b able to move out because I don't have the motivation to finish uni and look for a job in this field, and even if I do it's another 3 years doing courses before I can get work, and then it's a few months to build up the wages and find a place, so she's keeping me here as long as she can.

And as long as I'm under her roof I'll have to live with it and accept it. Never going for anything that will make me happy, never taking a single fucking risk because she won't let me. And she wonders why the fuck I'm miserable and on antidepressants? But if you mention it to her she breaks down in tears, even the slightest hint that anything negative with me is her fault and she can't handle it.

This is why so many people around the world are on these meds, because they're stuck in a situation they can't escape from and can't do anything that makes them happy. I can get a bar job, quit uni, work full time, move out and find a place for now, but she won't allow that, she's not about to let her son throw his life away on a whim, he's too naive and fickle to know what he wants, 'for such an intelligent boy, you're very stupid at times' being one of her favourite lines to say to both me and Tony. But should anybody call her on it 'they don't have kids' or 'they didn't raise their kids' or 'look how their kids turned out' heaven forbid she should ever be wrong about anything.

To top it all off, my poor dad is stuck with her constantly, if he agrees he gets bollocked for it, if he disagrees he still gets bollocked for it. So he tends to remain neutral, he still gets shouted at by her, but she has nothing to say other than 'you didn't back me up' so it's not too bad. And when she starts to get upset because me or Tony get so sick we say something, he steps in to defend her, while at the same time you can tell it's just because he doesn't want to see her upset, understandable, but her feelings have been spared for God knows how long on so many matters that she thinks the world is as fragile as her. NEWSFLASH: Plenty of people, both living and dead, have had horrific lives, worse than what you went through, and plenty have had easier lives too, but that doesn't make you the centre of the universe.

Anyway, before this becomes vicious angry ranting... already kinda is, but if she invades my privacy by reading this anyway then it's her fault if it upsets her, because I honestly have been sick of it all since I was about 15/16, right around the time we suspect the depression started... there couldn't possibly be a link though, could there?

Oh, one more thing... And this goes for everybody, not just my mother - I'm not made of china, I'm not that fragile, stop treating me like everything around me needs to be bubble-wrapped before it comes anywhere near me! I'm a big boy, I can handle it. And if I can't, then so fuck, I'll learn.

Byee.

The sins of the mother shall be passed unto the son...

So I haven't written in a while, not because I have nothing to say, but because I'm censoring this again. Why? Because I suddenly care what people think? Because I feel it's something I can't say to anybody at all? No.

It's because I don't find it all that interesting. My feelings are confusing, my relationship is confusing and Giulia is confusing... although she always has been, so that's hardly new, and I'm rarely certain of my feelings for anything, so that isn't new either. That leaves the confusion of the relationship, which when I explain it aloud makes me feel like I'm a complete fucking bastard, and yet people keep reassuring me that I'm not doing anything wrong.

Dan says no risk, no reward, Meaghan says it's a phase and I've been through it before, it'll pass, Katie says if it's gunna happen there's nothing I can do to stop it and Matty says... well, I think it was something along the lines of give it a go, what have you go to lose, but there were a lot of jokes and more than a few video game references.

Still doesn't stop me feeling guilty for something I have no control over which would happen with or without me... well, not without me, but it'd happen the same way if I had done things differently. What with all of that, these frequent headaches that I refuse to take tablets for because I'm pretty sure they're caused by the depression, the erratic sleep patterns creeping in again and this continual feeling that I've forgotten something I'm not doing so great...

On the outside I'm the picture of health, and usually seem pretty happy, but inside I'm tearing myself apart and I can't seem to stop it. I'm even questioning if I was ever actually happy in my entire life... I must've been as a child, every child is happy... well, barring certain unforgivable circumstances... but right now, and for the past God knows how many years, I can't see myself ever being happy again.

I know what everybody will say and think, but I do honestly believe the one thing that will bring me closer to happiness is a job behind a bar. All my life, ever since I was tiny and visiting my mother at work, watching the drunks playing pool, people ducking as they threw the darts at the projector screen instead of the dartboard behind them, smelling that amazing combination of lager, spirits, bacon fries and smoke (which will never happen again, unfortunately) I have wanted to spend as much time as possible in pubs.

It's all I've ever wanted to do throughout life, even though my mother has constantly told me never to, and to aim higher for a better job, with better prospects and much better pay, which is why I've had an extremely hard time finding a career path to follow. And so, reluctantly, out of fear, out of a desire to achieve something more publicly acceptable and respected, I've put that on the backburner and fucked up every chance I've had of getting closer to anything else.

I think I've gone on too long, so I'll leave it there with my shattered dreams and fantasies that will never come to fruition, and instead I'll go down to uni... or probly better to send an e-mail, asking what I need to do for my deffered work, and finish that, move on with this course which, interesting though it can be sometimes, really doesn't make me want any of this life at all.

Byee.

From Mind To Screen.....

ERGH! Fucking emotional overload!

Ok, this is gunna be straight from my mind, it won't be funny, or clever, or thought provoking, but it will be genuine.

Katie isn't coming anymore, long story, maybe I'll tell people, maybe I won't, depends if I can be arsed. I understand completely, and don't mind at all, don't blame her for anything. But I can't deny it hit me pretty hard, mostly shock, a little disappointment, not in her, not in anything within either of our control either, but disappointment in a situation over which I have no control.

I had a convo with my parents, that drained me even more, an argument with the mother because she can't handle not controlling my life, and can't seem to see me as a young man and only sees her little baby, well I've said it before, I'm going to make mistakes and learn from them, I'm not going to learn from even half of her mistakes if I haven't been there myself. It's that simple.

Giulia's on my mind, vaguely though, interesting... Katie's on my mind, again, as always.... I want some crumpets, and need something to drink... I'm tired, cold-ish and cranky... my head hurts and I'm about ready to kill somebody.... there's the emotional overload, so I'm gunna eat and clear my head... Byee.

The times, they are a-changing....

That was interesting....

Just had a convo with Giulia, first time in forever, and yet we still click. The friendship is still strong, I never knew that could happen... All my previous friendships have died after not seeing each other for about a month... well, apart from the one with Dan, he disappeared for a while too and we're clicking again... hmm... maybe it is possible, as long as the trust isn't gone and you show each other you haven't changed all that much, then you can disappear for years and the catch up will be just as good as your previous convos were.

Anyway, to answer the question now on everybodys mind. Yes, I still have feelings for her, that much was obvious because my heart is still pounding so strong I can feel it in my stomach. But I honestly never once had the urge to breakdown and beg her to take me back. I have missed my friend, and now that she's back I'm starting to see that the friendship was always stronger than the relationship ever could've been.

It was nice to see her again, and I'm not going to do anything stupid, I'm with Katie and I really like her, so I guess all it took was time and space to get over her and now we can finally be civil once more.

P.S. her sex life was mentioned, and not even a pang of jealousy hit me at all. I'm proud of myself :)

P.P.S. Sorry about this being so... well, not graphic, but revealing. I have boundary issues, and sorry if I betrayed your trust by telling anybody this Giulia... I did try not to say too much about you and focus it more on me, but needed a little explanation.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday.....

So... Katie's coming on Thursday... Perfect weekend for it really, last pub quiz before that lot go away, empty-ish house and Lego HP on Friday, so she can prove she's better than me even though we're playing at the same time, and a BBQ/ night out on Saturday, with lots of time for relaxing and getting to know even more bout her in between... So why do I feel I'm gunna screw it up?

I suppose it's just nerves, and I have always been something of a perfectionist, but I can't help thinking there's something I've missed... Something hidden away and forgotten about, that won't surface until it's the perfect time for it to fuck everything up... Hell, maybe I'm just being paranoid.

Anyway, that wasn't what I came on here to talk about.

I have another appointment on Tuesday with the counsellor, and I'm not sure I have anything to say. The problems I had back then are still with me, but I've grown used to them, accept they're a part of my life and that I'll deal with them some day, if not soon then eventually. More importantly, I haven't been on here to rant in a while... well, I have, but not about anything that actually matters to me, more like tiny annoyances that I want to tell other people about in the hopes they'll see things my way, you can't go to a counsellor for those, it's a waste.

But I promised myself and a few others I'd give him another try, the thing that's holding me back most of all is that we don't seem to click. I don't feel any connection at all, and if you don't feel that then you will hide more than you'll tell to them, and that's just counter-productive. If I feel I need more work on things, then I'll request another counsellor, see if I click with them, and keep going til I find one I do. If not, then I guess Tuesday is my last session... 2 sessions and I'm cured? Bullshit. I'm not cured, I just have some fucking amazing people around me who have done everything that is in their power to do in order to get me back on track.

I'll see how I feel after Tuesdays session, and I'll let you all know.

Oh, and P.S. ... So what, I like the green.

When you care enough to send the very best...

I've been thinking again... 2am seems to do that to me... not good, but one problem at a time. I've been thinking about those things we never get to say to the people who have hurt us, or who have just faded from our lives. Things like 'I'm sorry', 'I forgive you' and mostly 'thank you'.

Strange, right? Well, there's a reason. We all make our own mistakes, with or without the help of others, and a lot of people have come and gone over the years, all of which has made me me. I've said it a million times, I'm at least partly the person I am today because of my experiences. And I like me.

So to all those people who have hurt me - I forgive you, I haven't made that mistake since and don't plan to in the future. Also, thank you, for making me a stronger person, because without you I wouldn't have needed to rethink things, and then I'd be naive, immature, and a waste of space, not unlike yourselves, but you are the sum of your experiences, and if brute strength and force are all you know then one day you'll find a problem you can't overcome with those and that will make you into a better person too. I'm just sorry I couldn't have helped accomplish that, for your sake as much as mine, but que sera, sera.

I was fuming earlier today when thinking about somebody I used to know, and still see on an infrequent basis... well, a group of them actually, but it's mainly one person. That was until I realised even he has contributed something good to my life, by making me see through his bullshit I'm now fairly good at reading peoples motives and a little more suspicious. Of course, there's a fine line between that and paranoia, but I haven't completely crossed it yet, so it's a good thing.

Another example is that he has given me something to write about here, which I enjoy doing. A good friend once told me that they believe there are no bad people, simply bad choices. And now I finally believe it, because even the worst humanity has to offer has managed, inadvertently and completely unintentionally I'm sure, to contribute towards something good in somebody else's' life.

And so, I can't hold a grudge. And I'm currently on antidepressants. Not the best endorsement to be selling this whole thing, borderline religious, which I realise and hate, but I believe it, and it works for me.

So to everybody reading this, since I assume nobody random just reads my innermost thoughts on a whim, although it is possible... anyway, to all of you who I know or have known, thank you for making me who I am right now, I am honestly pretty content with it.